Gracie and I are having a staycation this week. My sister Kate, who watches Gracie for me is off on a well deserved Disney World vacation with her family for the week. So I get to be a stay at home mom for the week which I am excited about but a little hesitant about. Excited because I never feel like I have enough time with her and hesitant because this will be a huge routine change and lets face it, Gracie craves a routine. She is a lot like me in that way.
The past year has been a rough one for us. I am always hesitant to talk to much about the real personal parts of our lives because it's the internet, you can't really take it back once it's out there, and I never want Gracie to come to me in 15 years and say really, you had to share THAT? I really keep this blog as a way to commemorate some of the big milestones and to have a little record of her childhood. Without going into too much detail, Gracie has had an enormous amount of grief to process in the past year and it's been hard. Desperately hard on her and very difficult to watch and try to help her process. We are working with someone who has really been a godsend for both of us and I am seeing tremendous growth and change not only in Gracie and how she reacts to things but also in how I approach and react to things. We're a work in progress but we've come so far and I am very proud of us.
Gracie has suffered tremendous loss in her life and one of the areas we have worked on is how to get her to believe that if I go somewhere, to the bathroom, to the store without her, on a business trip, that I will always, always come back to her. Frankly, that has been a very difficult wall to knock down. Right now I would call it a half wall. We are very attached. I know it, she knows it. There is no doubt about that. But for the longest time she could not believe that if I left her side that I would come back. She was and is fine when I go to work because that is structured and routine but any other time I left, which I don't do often, it was a disaster. In the past year I have had two business trips where I had to be away from home for several days. The first trip was hard for both of us but we made up a calendar for the days I would be gone and we wrote down what each of us would do on those days, when we would talk to each other and what we would talk about. We had lots of things in place for when she had big missing feelings and she did really great. Probably better than I did. A few weeks ago I went to Arizona for the second trip. I was only gone three days this time and the Sunday before I left she was getting a little anxious about me going. I reminded her that the last time I had a trip I came home to her and she said "I know you will try but what if you can't? What if you get lost?" That comment sent me in a tailspin. In some ways it was positive because she is actually believing that if I can come home I will. But in other ways, it was heartbreaking because she doesn't believe that it's all in my control as to whether I can come back. Such a big worry for such a little girl. I told her that I can understand why that might worry her and it must be scary to know that mommy is in a different place that's not familiar. I also told her not to worry because I would bring my GPS with me and that way, I can always find my way home to her. She smiled and said "Mom, that's a great idea". Since I have been back there have been a few bumps in the road but I feel the tide turning and that with every moment, every hour, every day, it becomes a little easier for her to believe that she won't have to raise herself because honestly, that's what it feels like she has been preparing for.
Today we had the entire day together. Just the two of us. It was magical but not because we went to some super exciting place. The magic was in the little moments we shared. It was in the shower she took this morning when instead of screaming and hollering the minute the conditioner and shampoo came out she just looked at me and said "you'll try to be gentle and go quick right?" That is a huge milestone for us as showers and hair have become our kryptonite of late. There was magic in the conversation we shared over breakfast out and how she complimented me on my coloring. "Mom, blue was a great choice for that sheep. He looks good with my orange pig!" It was in our trip to toysrus to spend a gift card and in her delight in realizing that she could buy whatever she liked as long as it was under $35 dollars and that the choice was up to her. She decided on two octonaut toys and a little tykes bubble blower. It was in the hour and a half she spent outside playing with the bubble blower and running across the yard shrieking "bubbles! So many bubbles!" It was in her gratefulness when I stopped what I was doing to refill said bubble machine and she hugged my legs and said "Thanks mom! You're so awesome!" It was in her excitement when I told her we were going to a local church for an American Girl Tea party. She wore a new outfit that happened to coordinate with her American Girl Doll and she declared that they both looked Gorgeous and so did I because I was wearing earrings for the occasion. It was there when the disappointment about not winning the tea set we raffled for didn't turn the day into a downward spiral. It was there when she said "awwwww that's not fair but maybe next year I can win it." That would never have happened last year. It was there when we decided to treat ourselves to frozen yogurt after dinner at a place I had never been before., She was so proud to show me the ropes and to remind me that at this place, they recycle the spoons so they go in a separate trash can. It was there when she told me she didn't want to fall asleep because if she did this great day would be done. As I rocked her to sleep I thought the same thing. In fact, there is a part of me that wishes I could stay awake so it would last longer but as I told Gracie, tomorrow can be a great day too and we can work hard together to make that happen. This child is extraordinary.
