One Year Ago Today,,,,,,,,,,,,

We landed in the US as a family of two.  We had a very rough trip home as I was sick almost the whole trip and my sister half of it.  I remember at one point being so angry at myself for getting sick and thinking for sure that I was ruining her homecoming as someone was going to have to drive to Dulles to pick us up.  As it turned out, by the time we landed in Dulles Kate and I rebounded a bit and were beginning to feel better.  Kate was able to eat and I was able to keep gingerale down so we were making progress.  I remember feeling so relieved that we made it home and so excited for her to meet the family that had been waiting for her for so long.  We had a couple of hours layover and while we waited I changed her into the special "homecoming" outfit I had painstakingly purchased a few weeks before.  It was so hard to believe that this was all real and that I was actually finally bringing my baby home after all this time.  I was so thrilled when we boarded the plane from Dulles to Boston.  I was practically counting the moments until we got to Boston.  And then we sat on the tarmac.  For four hours.  Dulles had a snow storm they weren't expecting and weren't prepared for.  I wasn't really sure who would be meeting us at the airport but I figured the group would probably be tiny since we were so late.  But I also remember thinking that it was OK as long as my dad was there.  He had a stroke the Sunday before we left and while I knew he was OK before we got on the plane to Addis, it still put fear in me.  When I had heard he had a stroke, and before we knew that he would be fine, I thought, really, I have to trade my father for my child?  I was so scared he would never get to meet her in person.  The day before we left for Addis he told me that he would be at the airport in a stretcher if need be.  There was no way that Grace was coming off the airplane without her grandfather being there to greet her.  Once we finally landed in Boston we got off the plane and I took a moment to compose myself and to fix Grace's outfit and then we headed for the escalator.  Her poor little heart was pounding as everything was so new to her.  I was holding her for dear life as we stepped on the escalator.  As we came down there was my dad and my step mom and the rest of our family waiting at the bottom of the stairs as promised. 

Seeing my dad standing there and looking so good and then showing him my daughter for the very first time is among the proudest moments of my life.  As I write this I'm tearing up remembering the moment.  Apparently United didn't do a stellar job keeping their flight information up to date so everyone came to the airport expecting us to land at 2:00 and then sat a round until we landed at 6:00.  They all waited until we arrived, except for my friend Cyn who came from NH in the middle of a snow storm and needed to head back so she didn't get stuck.  It was such an amazing feeling to see everyone waiting for us.  I cherish those memories and the pictures and people. You know when someone has a baby and everyone rushes up to the hospital to see the new baby?  Well, for my family, the hospital was an airport but the desire to meet and love that child was no different than if I had given birth to her.  And in fact, it was like a birth to me as it was the birth of my family of two.

This has been the most amazing year of my life.  It's definitely had it's share of ups and downs but the one constant has been the bond between Grace and I.  She is very much my child and I am very much her mommy.  That has been clear to both of us since the day we met.  We connected easily and quickly and that was surprising to me. Not that I bonded to her but because she did to me so fast.  We have our challenges and yes, she is quickly acting like an almost two year old, complete with temper tantrums, but things have gone so much smoother than I expected.  I guess for once my prepare for the worst, hope for the best attitude paid off.   My life became complete the moment I held her for the first time.  The ache I had been feeling for years instantly evaporated.  She fit in my arms like she had always been there.  It's not all sunshine and lollipops.  Everything doesn't always go perfectly and sometimes I'm not always sure of what I am doing.  But becoming her mother is the single greatest thing that will ever happen to me.  I wouldn't trade our imperfect, happy little family for anything.

I have seen so many changes in her over the past year.  It's hard to believe she's even the same kid.  I remember that on our second day in Ethiopia I sat her on the floor to see what she could do and she flopped over like a rag doll.  I have to say that I panicked for a moment.  OK, maybe a couple of moments.  But then I quickly remembered all the reading I did and the information from my agency.  Intellectually I knew she would not act like an 8 month old but emotionally, I was still surprised by it.  She was more baby like than I had expected.  And physically she was about the size of a typical 3-4 month old.

These were pictures I took on day two.  I look at them now and think man, she has come so far.  Her coloring is better.  Other than still being on the small side, she has caught up developmentally. She is into everything and is exploring and talking and surprising me every day with what else she has learned.  She doesn't have that vacant look in her eyes any more.  She's mischievous, loving, funny, affectionate, STUBBORN, strong and resilient.  I'm so proud of her.  Every night as I put her to bed I think, I could not possibly love her more than I do at that moment.  And yet, the next day I love her even more.  She's an extraordinary gift.  My dad used to tell us that he and my mom didn't have the kind of jewels one wore.  He said his jewels were his three daughters and therefore, he was the richest guy in the world.  I now understand what he meant because now I have my own jewel.  

With all this joy, there is some sadness.  I've been given this amazing opportunity to guide this little person into becoming a strong, self confident, proud, smart and loving woman,  But my gift comes at someone else's expense.  For Grace, there is the loss of another family and country that she will not know the way she will know me and her American family.  For her family, it's the loss of having her with them day in and day out.  I leave her from 8-6 and I am constantly wondering what I am missing out on with her.  I can't imagine what it must be like for them.  How brave they were to let her go.  How selfless they are to let her have the life they wished for her to have.  It's an honor for me to raise this child.  Our child.  I hope they are pleased with her progress.  I hope they get the updates I send.  I hope they are well.  I wish I could tell them that in person.  I hope one day I will.  

So December 5th will be our official family day.  I have decided to start a tradition of giving her two small gifts.  One will be a Christmas ornament since she came home in December and because she is the greatest gift I will ever receive.  The second will be a present I brought home from Ethiopia.  When I was there I bought a lot of gifts with this intention in mind.  Every year she will get something different.  This years gift will be a ball covered in colorful cloth.  The ornament is an African angel.  Tomorrow will be an especially exciting family day as we are going to have lunch at an Ethiopian restaurant with a couple of the families in our travel group who live locally.   I know that whatever we do, it will be better because we have each other.