11 Months and still counting

So could May be my lucky month? Is this the month I find out who my punkin is? I certainly HOPE so but I don't think it's realistic. Of course, I have been unrealistic in all my other expectations so why start now. Anyway, referrals this month have been slow and I'm just not sure I will hear anything this month. My dad and step mom are convinced it's happening this month(from their lips to God's ears I say)so let's hope they're on the money.

This has been a rough couple of days for me. Today is the 7Th Anniversary of my Mom passing away. I have to say that it's been the hardest one to deal with so far. I was talking to my friend Karen last night trying to figure out why and she made a great point. This is the first anniversary where I have been about to become a mother. Everything about me is much more emotional than usual so it's no wonder I am feeling this day more than before. I mean, it isn't like I don't miss her all the time but I think with impending motherhood her absence is just much louder than usual. I believe that she knows what's happening and she would be delighted but I still wish she could meet him or her.

Yesterday I went to my nephew Kyle's First Holy Communion. Kyle is my friend Karen's son. Kyle is a bright, sweet, terrific kid and the older brother of my god daughter Erin. Erin will make her communion next year. As I was sitting in the pew waiting for it to start I started day dreaming about what kind of outfitthe punkin would be wearing next year to Erin's communion. I had him pictured in Khaki pants, a teele blue long sleeve oxford shirt and an argyle sweater vest with complimentary colors in it. I then realized he could be a she so I pictured her in a light blue sun dress with daisy's on it with a cute white sweater and white buckle shoes with little bows on them. I didn't day dream about his shoes because let's face it, it doesn't matter as much to a boy, but the girl needs the full ensemble. I will probably look back on this next year and think, can you imagine that I actually had a free moment to day dream about such things? But for now, it's about the only thing I have to do. The waiting is just so hard. And I stink at being patient. I guess part of becoming a parent is learning your faults. While I know I am patient with children, I'm not patient when waiting for something I really, really want.

So, there is nothing new on the adoption front. I checked in with my agency this week and they shared examples of what the referral paper work would look like. My first thought was, hey, this means a referral is acoming quickly, my second thought was to learn that they seem to be sharing this information with most families so I'm probably still a couple of months away. But either way, it was great to see the paperwork and to have something else to focus on. I actually think it was very positive for my psyche.

I'm looking forward to a weekend away. I'm leaving Friday to go to my friend Brenda's baby shower. She and her husband are expecting a baby boy in June and I'm looking forward to celebrating with them. And at least there is one baby I can buy stuff for and that was fun.

Tonight I am going to attempt something I have never done before. I am going to try to watch a Bruins game on TV from start to finish. I'm not a big hockey fan but I believe in supporting all my home town teams so I am going to try to watch the game. Hockey is a little too fast paced for me. I have a hard time following the puck. The only way I know the goal has been scored is when they're all hugging by the goalie. I've never been fast enough to catch the actual goal being scored. So this should be an interesting endeavor for me. I think we should take bets on how long I make it before I switch over the the Sunday night movie on the Hallmark Channel. Well, either way, GO BRUINS!

Anxious All The Time

I'm a worrier by nature. Those of you who know me well know that I come by it honestly. My mother was a world-champion worrier. In fact, if there were an Olympic sport for worrying my mother would have been the Michael Phelps of that competition. So it's no surprise that I am following in her footsteps. In fact, I worry so much that when I have nothing to worry about for myself, I worry about other people, many of whom I don't even know. So it comes as no surprise to me that I'm worrying about everything when it comes to the adoption. But I wasn't expecting the anxiety that is accompanying it. I am anxious all the time. I have my cell phone charged at all times ready to go and if I even leave my office for a second I'm constantly checking to see if I missed a call. That's a a big sign of my anxiety. I don't enjoy being on the phone in general but I really am not a fan of cell phones and most of the time I can't even remember to charge it. But because I'm expecting a referral I now have to be at the ready just in case they can't reach me at the other three numbers they have for me. When I sleep, assuming I can even fall asleep which has been a real struggle of late, all my thoughts are of the Punkin. Will I be able to get everything ready between the time I get the referral call and when we travel? What if they don't bond to me? Have I read enough books? Have I read the wright books? Will an eight week maternity leave be enough time for he/she to bond with me and to recognize that even though they'll spend much of their time with Auntie Kate, I am still the mommy and the go to person? In reality, I know that everything will work itself out and that I have and will continue to take the steps I need to make it all work. But since I have a LOT of time and NOTHING to occupy my time with I worry. I know, I need to find a hobby.

My nephew Jacob is now out of his crib and in his big boy toddler bed. When I went upstairs to see his new bed I asked him where his crib went. He looked at me like I was an idiot and said "Dantie, I give to you baby in Epiopia". I said oh Jakey, it didn't go to Ethiopia. It went downstairs to Auntie's house and it's in the baby's room. He put on his angry face and said "Daddy, I telled you to give that baby crib to Dantie's baby in Epiopia!" I have that poor kid totally confused. Every time he sees a plane he yells "Dantie, there's you baby! Go get you baby from Epiopia". I went to Washington DC a couple of weeks ago. When I walked in the house he wanted to know where my baby was. He thought that since I went on a plane that I went to get the baby.

Speaking of Washington DC, I went there over Easter weekend to meet up with My sister Amy and her husband Kevin and their kids Nate and Sarah. We had a fantastic time. Had a lot of fun, did a lot of sight seeing and had good quality auntie time with the kids. Nate is reading the Outsiders, one of my all time fav books so we talked about that and then Sarah tried to convince me of the musical merits of Miley Cyrus. Yeah, she didn't win me over but man, she tried!

Well, I guess I'll get back to worrying, uh, I mean work.

Dear Universe

I think I need to get a message out to the Universe. The message is this.....Dear Universe: Don't let someone accidentally call the cell phone of a woman waiting for her referral call. Yours Truly, Beth. This happened to me today. My cell phone rarely ever rings and almost never during the work day. Half the time it's not even charged but knowing that I'm expecting a referral I've had it with me at all times. So today I'm sitting at my desk and my cell phone rings and my heart starts beating like crazy. I mean crazy. I look at the number and I don't recognize it and my heart really starts racing. I'm of course thinking it could be my agency. But it turns out to be someone who just dialed the wrong number. If this is how I react to a wrong number I seriously can't imagine how I will feel when the real thing happens. My nerves are going to shot by the time I finally get the call. Everyone says it comes when you least expect it but I feel like I'm expecting it all the time.

So not a lot to report here in month 10. I still expect it to be May at the earliest but likely June before I hear anything. I just finished updating my home study and soon I'll make an appointment to be re-fingerprinted. Quite the exciting life I live. Two weekends ago I went to an adoption conference that was really great. Lot's of really helpful sessions and they had books for sale and I came home with a boatload of great books for the punkin, plus a CD of African Children Songs. I can't wait to read them to the Punkin. For now, I just read them myself while I sit in their mostly empty room. It makes me happy to know that soon there will be an actual little person that I'm reading to.

Well, I'm off to DC for a couple of days to meet up with my sister Amy and her family. Can't wait to see Nate and Sarah. Nate turns 13 on Sunday. I can not believe I have a 13 year old nephew. Seems like yesterday he was just a tiny baby who fit in the crook of my neck and now he's a big giant teenager.

More Paperwork

Do you know what you get to do after 6 months of paperwork and almost 10 months of being on the official wait list? More paperwork. Yup, since it's been a year since my homestudy it now has to be updated. So that means, another CORI check to make sure I'm still not a criminal,another doctors letter, basic information updates and in May I get to be re-finger printed. The silver lining is that if I were in the china program, I would likely have to update my information 4 times(yes, that's 4 years worth) before I would have seen a referal. So I guess I can put on my big girl panties and suck it up. Actually, it was a lot easier than the original home study and other than the doctors letter and the fingerprinting which I can't do until May, everything else is filled out and mailed in. It did feel good to be doing something proactive towards the adoption since I feel like most of what I do is just sitting around waiting.

So as we continue to talk about the baby, Meghan decided it was time to write a list of what I will need. Her list has sippy cups,(She's OBSESSED with talking about sippy cups. I only have two so far and it's making her crazy. I have the two because she talked incessantly about me not having any that I went out and bought two so she'd stop talking about it) toys, bibs and clothes. I told her we needed to add a baby bath tub since I don't have a bathtub in my house. She looked at me and said OK, but you'll have to go to Lowe's to buy a bathtub because Babies R Us doesn't have bath tubs. They just have baby stuff. I laughed and explained that I wasn't buying a real bath tub. I was talking about a small plastic tub for a baby. She gave me that Meghan look of hers and said, well, that sounds like a lot of trouble, I'd just wash him in the sink. It sounds easier. She's too funny.

Some days it seems like the wait is overwhelming and then other days I wake up and think hey, I better start looking into travel shots or I really have to sit down with HR and talk about my maternity leave. Sometimes it feels like it will never happen and other days it feels like, oh, it's about to happen. It's a crazy ride.

Feeling Optimistic

This week has been a good week for me. I still expect to wait another couple of months but there has been movement on the waiting list. After no referrals in February, it seems like the drought has ended and several referrals were announced this week. One of the referrals was for a friend of mine who is also a single parent. She is part of my waiting family support group and she and I and a couple of other single ladies meet for dinner before our meeting. She got her referral on Wednesday for a 5 month old baby girl. She's teeny but has the most amazing brown eyes I have ever seen. What a joy it was to see the pictures last night and hear all about "The Call". It seems like a tangible reminder that at some point, this is going to happen for me.

Maybe this is a good time to explain what "The call" is. "The call" is when my case worker Emily calls me and tells me that they have a referral for me. She'll call me at one of the 75 numbers I have left for her to let me know who my punkin is. She will tell me the name, gender, age and region where the Punkin is from. She will then send me an e-mail with 1-2 pictures, a medical history and any background information on the child. I will then send that information over to an international pediatrician who will review the information and will call me on the phone to discuss the case. If all goes well, I will then accept the referral and then my agency will start the legal procedures in Ethiopia. Now, I know that many people will wait to tell people until they get the ok from the pediatrician. I don't imagine I will be one of those people. I can't imagine hanging onto that kind of information. My guess is that I'll be crying and carrying on so much that you'll hear me from wherever you are. My guess is that I will make phone calls and e-mails the second I get the news. I will also try to update the blog with details of the call but I am not allowed to post pictures on any Internet site until after I have passed court in Ethiopia which is approximately 2-5 months after the referal. I do believe I am able to e-mail the picture as long as you agree not to post it so you won't have to wait to see them. I know you're all getting as anxious as I am. In fact, two of my co-workers have had dreams that I got my referral. Neither one remembers if it was a boy or a girl, they just remember that we were all running around crying and yelling. Since I will likely get the call while I am work, it's really nice to know that there will be so many people around that will celebrate with me.

I have waited so long for this child that sometimes it seems like it will never happen. My niece Meghan will occasionally ask me if the baby is still coming because it's been a long time we've been talking about it and she's not here yet. She told me she wants a boy to even up the numbers but she thinks it will be a girl and her name will be Hannah like Hannah Montana. I told her that was reason enough not to name her that and she said, "well, I could get over the Hannah Montana if I had to. I could probably call her just Hannah if that woul do it". She cracks me up. I still haven't decided on the girl's name but I am heavily favoring Grace these days so we'll see.

Well, that's all for now. Let's hope that month number 10 brings good news.

Not Much to Report

So, Here we are, in month 8 of "the wait". Honestly, there isn't a lot new on the adoption front. Based on the wait times of families receiving recent referrals, I expect that May is the earliest I would see a referral and it could be longer than that. It just seems impossible to predict. Then once I receive a referral I would travel about 2-6 months after that. When I started the process travel times were about 2-4 months. With the increases in adoptions the courts are just backed up with cases and it's taking longer to get court dates. So in the meantime, I just try to be as patient as I can, which most days is a struggle, and I just remember that it will happen when it's supposed to happen.

In the meantime, I try to remember to be grateful for the good things in my life. I thought putting them in writing would be a good way to do that so here are some of them.

1. My god daughter Erin. For her birthday I took her to the American Girl Place in Natick. We spent the afternoon, had lunch and enjoyed ourselves to the fullest. It was so great to have her to myself and you would have thought I took her to Disney World. She's a delight.

2. My godson David and his two sisters Lauren and Renee. They live in Florida now but when I do see them, they make me feel like they've been waiting their whole lives to see me. It's like we're together all the time even though we only see each other once or twice a year.

3. For good music. I can lose myself for hours just singing along with the IPOD or listening to whatever random song comes into my head. My IPOD is a very eclectic mix these days. You might hear a little Dionne Warwick, a little Cold Play, Barenaked ladies, Def Leppard(I am a child of the 80's after all, and let's face it, they were one of the very best hair bands), a little temptations, Kenny Chesney, a lot of Jason Mraz, Plain White Tee's or Beyonce. Like I've said before, I like pretty much everything except Gangsta rap and Gregorian Chant.

4. Books. I like to read and I LOVE to re-read favorite books. I started re-reading a Prayer for Owen Meaney by John Irving. If you haven't read it, I recommend it highly. Very quirky but worth all the time you put into it.

5. The Hallmark Channel. I admit it. My name is Beth and I have a sappy movie addiction. If there were a support group for this I would be the president. I am a sucker for quirky love stories where two people who aren't supposed to be compatible somehow end up falling in love. If only my love life would work out like a TV movie!

6. Electric Blanket. The. Best. Invention. EVER. Seriously. I'm cold all the time and this miracle invention has brightened my life(and sadly, I'm not joking).

7. American Idol. It's back, I'm obsessed, enough said.

8. Diners, Drive-In's and Dives. It's a must see on the Food Network. It lets me experience all this delicious food without having to feel guilty about the calories.

9. Varitek re-signed with the Sox. My baseball season can now begin.

10. My sisters. I don't know where I would be without them. I talk to one and or both of them at least once a day if not more(which is sort of amazing since I hate to talk on the phone). I can not imagine that there are three sisters as close as the three of us. Given our age gap, you wouldn't think that would be the case, but I think it came down to good parenting. My dad used to tell us that we were all on the same team and a team always sticks together. I remember being about 12 and thinking that I would like to be traded but in hindsight, I feel so grateful to have them. They're incredible parents and I can only hope to be as good at it as they are. But man, I'm sure gonna try.

11. Spell-check. You would be horrified at my inability to spell.

Signs, Signs, Everywhere there's Signs!!

Welcome to Month Number Seven of Waiting for My Punkin to Come. In all honesty, I feel pretty good so far this month. I feel optimistic with the new year beginning and am hopeful that I'm getting closer to getting a referral. I still don't have a time frame but if I were a betting woman, I would expect something around May, but man, I would love to see it happen earlier.

So in December I went to see Harry Connick Jr. at the Colonial Theatre. He was fantastic. He played a mixture of Christmas Music and Blues. He's unbelievably entertaining. Anyway, before the show Kate and I went to dinner at PF Chang (so yummy!). Anyway, after the meal, I got my fortune cookie. Now, I don't usually pay much attention to fortune cookies but this one caught my attention. It said, "You will get what your heart desires". That piqued my interest. On the back of the fortune was a word written both in English and Chinese. What was the word you ask? Come on.... think, think, think!! Give up? It was Pumpkin. Now if that isn't a sign, then I don't know what is. I mean, what are the chances of THAT word being written on the back of THAT fortune? To me, it was another reminder that I just have to keep plowing through what feels like an endless wait. It will happen.

So what am I doing to pass the wait? I'm buying children books. I bought Baby Flaherty the Polar Express Book for Christmas. I can't wait for next year when we're sitting in the living room reading it together and celebrating our first Christmas as a family of two! I'm also reading books about parenting, parenting a child of another race and of another culture. And then I'll continue reading about Ethiopia and learning as much as I possibly can. American Idol also starts tonight (God Bless America!) so that will help pass the time. At least I can sing with the show (or cringe depending on the contestant) while I'm waiting for my Punkin to come.