Happy Mothers Day!

In celebration of my second Mother's Day, I am going to celebrate Gracie.  She's the reason for the extra happiness in my life, the extra noise and chaos and laughter in my house, the reason I'm a mommy.

I could spend a week telling you all the things I love about her but I have a toddler so I don't have that much time.  So instead, I'm just going to give you some snippets of what I love most about my girl.

I love that each morning when I go to get her out of her crib she smiles at me like she has just been waiting for me to come and get her. 

I love her sense of humor and that she has the most adorable laugh I have ever heard.  it's infectious. 

I love that her favorite part of the day is sitting on my lap before bedtime making faces at me and silly noises and then laughing hysterically.

I love that she has combined the names of her two cousins Meghan and Jacob and she now refers to them as MeggieJakey.  Kind of like Brangelina. 

I love that she walks up to my computer and says Hey Mumma, I talk Auntie Amy, Sarah, Nate on puter.  And when she asks at 4:00 am their time in California and I tell her we can't because they are sleeping she repeats her request but says it very quietly because they are nigh nigh. 

I love that she will be doing something and will suddenly run up to me with her lips all puckered and says Mumma, I need kisses!

I love that when we leave to do errands she always says Gacie come too and Gacie help mumma! 

I love that every morning when I leave for work I get kisses, hugs, a pat on the back and a later gator! 

I love that she will just randomly announce to me that she's happy. 

I love that she breaks into song whenever the spirit moves her.  It could be while we're brushing her teeth, at Target, in her car seat, at the dinner table.  You never know when the music will hit her but she has to respond and it delights me.

I love that she loves to dance and that she has rhythm in her feet.  We were at my step-mom's surprise party last week and Gracie started dancing the minute the DJ started playing and she didn't stop until we left after 10:00.  And she even tried joining in on the lines dances.  I'm amazed at how musical she is and how quickly she picks up dances and songs.

I love when I ask if she is a big girl and she says yes and then says but Gacie is mumma's baby.

Her favorite kids show is the Backyardigans,  The penguin's name is Pablo but I love that she pronounces it palmlo. 

She is without question my greatest joy and I feel so lucky to be her mommy.  And when I celebrate with Gracie tomorrow my thoughts will be with the woman who gave birth to her and loved her before me.  And so now I do it for both of us and I hope when she looks down on us she's pleased with how well Gracie is doing and knows that she's never far from from our thoughts. I never have, and I never will take for granted the gift of raising her daughter, my daughter....our daughter. 

Happy Mothers Day to my sisters Amy and Kate who keep me sane in my first years of mommy hood.  To my Aunt Wendy who is without the question the best aunt on the planet and was my role model for the kind of aunt I wanted to be.  To my step-mom Judi who came into my life after I was an adult.  She knows the secret that you don't have to give birth to a child to love them as your own.  How lucky we three girls were that my dad was smart enough to choose two wonderful wives.  To my mom Dorothy, who passed away nine years ago this week.  I miss her every day but I know she is proud of me for making my dream of being a mother come true.  She once told me that being a mother was the only job she ever really wanted.  Me too, mom.  Me too! 

Easter Eggs

Today we had our first attempt at decorating Easter eggs. I'm embarrassed to say that at my age, which is quickly approaching 40, I had never boiled an egg. So I did what any self respecting woman did. I googled it. So I boiled the eggs and I set up the bowls of egg dye and I was feeling pretty spiffy. I was so on top of this egg decorating thing that I even had the forethought to put aprons on Gracie and I. We were ready. We were having fun. And then the next thing I know, Gracie spills the bowls and she is literally up to her elbows in Easter egg dye, my table is covered through the was paper I covered it with and the floor is drenched. In the midst of all this mess Graice looks at me and says, "Mumma, look dis, Gacie's home is big mess!" And I just started laughing. I mean, what else could you do. We finished the last egg with the little bit of dye that was left and then I threw her in the bath. I'm happy to report that the dye is quickly fading on she and I and believe it or not, it came off her pink shirt with the white sleeves (Thank you makers of oxyclean). The floor cleaned up pretty quickly but I've already washed the table four times and there continues to be yellow dye coming up. Hey, if that's my worst problem in life, I'll take it. Gracie was very proud of her eggs and she had fun which is the important part.

Staycation

So this week Gracie and I are on a stay cation.  My sister Kate and her family went to CA to visit our other sister.  Since Auntie Kate is my day care provider I have been home since last Thursday with Gracie.  We got off to a bit of a rough start.  It was really cool that mommy was home but the cousins were not and that was tragic.  Broke my heart to see her knocking at the door that connects our houses and yelling, "Meggie, Jakey, Come in!  Mommy, no comin?" Thank god for a new computer that allowed us to Skype.  That made things much better.  Add that to the schedule being off and it made for a couple of antsy days but things are much better now and we're enjoying our time together. 

Yesterday we sent to see Elmo Live.  It was my birthday present to Gracie.  She was terrified at first and holding on for dear life but at the same time the music was infectious.  So as she's clinging to my shirt she's doing her shoulder shimmy dance.  By intermission she was fine and when it ended she was sobbing because she wanted " more Elmo.  Elmo no go home.  Elmo dance Gracie".  She got an Elmo T-shirt at the show and was very proudly showing that off to her grandparents when we met them later on for dinner.  She was also thrilled that when we drove to the restaurant we drove in Grandma Judi's car and Grandma Judi rolled down the window a bit so the wind was blowing her hair which she LOVES.  I think she'll be an adrenaline junkie in the not too far off future.  It was pretty much a perfect day and when I put her to bed I said was this day so fun?  She said YUP.  I asked why and she said "Gracie see Elmo, Gracie ride Grandma Judi car".  I guess for a two year old, life can't get much better. 

This week we have a six month follow up with the international pediatrician and her two year check up with her regular doctor.  I'm excited for the international appointment because she has really come so far in six months.  She can count to 8.  Actually she counted to 15 the other day but she skipped 1 and 8.  Her language continues to explode and I've noticed that the more language she gets, the less screaming we have.

So as I have mentioned we were having issues with screaming especially in the grocery store.  Our grocery store has a little carousel at the entrance and I have been using that as bait to try to get her to stop screaming in the store.  If she makes it through with no screaming she can ride the horsies.  She got close a couple of times but last week she did it.  She was perfect in the store and we high fived and hugged and she kept saying "I ride the horsie, no screaming"!  So we go outside so she can retrieve her prize and she won't get on the horsie.  "Oh No, I no sit, dat scary!"  I even put the coins in so she could see it going around but nope, she wouldn't get on it.  The saving grace was that the carousel played bicycle built for two which I sing to her all the time so she just sang along with it and blew kisses to the horsies as we left.  I thought I was doomed for shopping this week because I had no ace in the whole.  Riding the horsies is scary so I figured her motivation to behave was out the window.  But to my surprise, she was perfect the entire time.  When we were at the check out she said "Mumma, I no scream, you Hap, Hap, Happy!"  She is behaving much better at all stores and restaurants.  At restaurants I switched her to a booster and that has made all the difference in the world.

Well, other than a couple of doctor appointments and a couple of play dates, we're laying low this week which I am enjoying.  I am also reading a new book for the first time since our vacation last July and I am so excited about it.  I know, I live the exciting life, don't be jealous. 

Here are a couple of pictures of the Elmo show!

 

Birthday Party

It's hard to believe but on Tuesday Gracie Lito will be two. Yesterday we had a Minnie Mouse Birthday party and it was a blast. Yesterday was an example of how far she's come since last year. She had fun last year but this year she gets what a birthday party is and that it's fun and exciting. I set most of the decorations up on Friday night so when she woke up Saturday morning and saw them she was beside herself, She kept saying it's my Minnie house party! The party was especially fun because my sister Amy was here from California to celebrate with her. Grace enjoyed the week so much and loved having Auntie Amy stay with us. Auntie Amy and Uncle Kevin also supplied her party outfit. Since they were recently at Disneyland I asked them to pick up a pink outfit with Minnie mouse on it. Uncle Kevin decided that nothing less than a full Minny Mouse outfit would do. They also got her red shiny buckle shoes and they had someone make her hair bows to match. She thought she was all that and a bag of chips. She was so proud to show me after Auntie Amy got her all dressed up. She was jumping around the house yelling Party time, Party time! She had the best day. Still not all that into opening the presents but really enjoys playing with them. She got beautiful clothes, toys, Cd's etc. She's a blessed and loved little girl. So here are a few pictures of the festivities.

Spring Pictures

Today we had Gracie's pictures taken and I am in love with them so I thought I would share!

Making Adjustments

So a couple of posts ago I mentioned that I was readjusting my expectations in regards to what our weekends should be about.  I realized that Gracie needs a lot more down time and I needed to reduce the amount of errands and things I tried to accomplish on the weekends.  So far we're making progress.  We are still having issues with her screaming but it's starting to improve.  I think part of it is because she is getting more of a vocabulary and part of it is me setting her up to succeed instead of fail.  In stead of trying to get to the grocery store, the post office, Target, other errands, etc, all in one morning I try to make it two short errands per day and then more time for fun and playing.  It's been working out pretty well.  One thing I did was to change when and how we grocery shop.  We now go when the store opens at 7:00a.m.  It's far less crowded so we can get in and out faster.  I also choose to walk in the entrance that has a little merry-go-round.  On the way in the store I point out the horsies and say oh, I hope this morning Gracie will get to ride the horses.  If we get through the store with no screaming Gracie gets to ride the horsie.  She's very excited at the prospect but we haven't gotten there yet, although each week we get closer.  As we go through the store I praise her on how well she is doing and that it will be so much fun to ride the horsies if we have no screaming.  Last week we made it almost the whole way through when she screamed because she wanted to color on the shopping list and I didn't have a pen.  When she screamed I simply said oh, Gracie, I'm sorry you won't get to ride the horsie this week.  She looked at me and said "oh no, Gacie cream.  Oh, no horsie!"  She let out one more small scream and while I was sure she was going to fall apart, she pulled it together.  I kept telling her she did a really good job this time but we have to have no screaming to ride the horsie.  On the way out of the store she waived to the horsies and said "bye horsies.  I cream, I no ride you.  I ride you again". I also try to engage her in what we're buying and that helps too. She has developed a love for Jello (ick) so that's her job, to be  on the lookout for the jello.  I am hopeful that one of these Sundays she'll get to ride and every week I come with my quarters just in case. 

I have also come to the realization that I can not do everything and that time with Gracie is more important than dusting and cleaning.  We don't have a large place but with working full time and having a child who really needs more of my attention on nights and weekends, I just couldn't keep up with it.  I can maintain, but the dusting and the really good scrubbing of toilets and sinks just wasn't happening.  After thinking about it for months, I finally decided to hire a cleaning company.  I hesitated so long because it really felt like it was more for me than for Gracie but as my dad reminded me, it saves my time for Gracie and that is the real gift.  The first cleaning was yesterday and can I just tell you, I so wish I had done this sooner.  It was so nice to come home to a beautifully cleaned house with beds made and sheets changed and I didn't have to do it.  Actually, getting ready for the cleaners to come was really helpful because it forced me to get rid of the little piles that were beginning to accumulate.  I feel so much less stress knowing that cleaning is not something I have to try to fit into the weekend.  I'm having them come every other week as every week doesn't fit in the budget.  I could have done once a month but it sort of felt like that would defeat the purpose and since I already knew I could squeeze it into the budget I just went ahead and signed up for bi-weekly. 

So in Gracie news, well, she's just doing so great.  Every day she says or does something new.  Last night we were leaving a restaurant and when we got to the car she said "that's mommy's car",  And I said yes it is and she said "that's Gracie's car too.  You share mommy".   As we were driving home she kept saying "mommy, I kiss you, I kiss you" as she blew me kisses. Everything lately is "mommy watch me, watch me" or "I got you mommy, I got you mommy" and she runs up and gives me a hug.  She's very affectionate and loving and funny.  And she loves for us to sing together.  The new favorite this week is this old man.  I'm ready to move on and make the old man take a nap but Gracie wants to keep singing about him. 

It's hard to believe but she turns 2 in a couple of weeks.  Her birthday party is two weeks from today.  My sister Amy is coming in a week from today to spend her spring break (she's a teacher) with us and to be here for Gracies' party.  Gracie can not stop talking about Auntie Amy coming.  When we're in the car she reminds me Auntie Amy is coming.  When we're going to bed, when she's waking up, when we brush her teeth, when we play with her babies, she reminds me that Auntie Amy is coming.  She can't wait.  We're having a Minnie Mouse party or as Gracie says, Minnie House.  I'm looking forward to it.  I think we're mostly ready with just a few little things to do.  I like to do things in advance so I don't stress about them.  Well, so I stress less about them.  I did decide that this year we're doing a deli plate, salad and some meatballs in the crock pot and are calling it a day.  Last year I did appetizers thinking that would be so easy but really, not so much.  I had to keep putting different things in the oven and then had to keep re-filling.  Far more work than I anticipated.  This year I'm opting for a little more casual.  But it will be fun none the less.

The Hard Parts

I have been thinking about this post for a long time.  I have seen many Mommy's in the blog world post recently about attachment and I thought I would chime in with my thoughts on Grace and I.  In general I think we're really solid.  She knows who mommy is, she looks to me for comfort, for snuggles or just to sit and make faces at each other.  But attachment is an on going process and even though we're both working hard, she does have abandonment issues.  I think people are surprised when I say that because they assume that since she was only 8 months when I brought her home she shouldn't remember any of that.  And while she may not remember details she knows that there were people that loved her that left her.  I have no doubt about that.  She has a much harder time forming bonds with women than men.  I think it's because her primary care takers have always been women and in her mind, she thinks that if I replaced some other lady, some other lady could replace me.  She has absolutely no issues with being left with my sister during the day.  She doesn't feel threatened by her presence and she gets by now that mommy goes during the day to work and that auntie Kate takes care of her and then mommy comes home.  But in other situations or with other people, it can be stressful for her.  Last week we were at a friends house for a play date.  We had a great couple of hours and then it was time to go.  I put Grace's coat on first and she was standing at the door way next to my friends husband and she got this look of panic on her face and burst into tears.  I know what it's from because we see it quite frequently.  It's the fear that she's going off with someone and I am not coming.  It all stemmed from the fact that her coat was on and mine wasn't yet.  And it doesn't help if my coats on first because then she thinks I'm leaving her behind.  I somehow have to figure out how to get both of our coats on simultaneously.  As a somewhat rational person, I understand exactly what she's going through.  She has big abandonment issues but as her mother it absolutely rips my heart out each time to see it.  No matter how many times I reassure her, there is still the fear that I won't come back.  After I got my coat on I picked her up and said Gracie, mommy is coming with you. The whole way out to the driveway, to the car and while I buckled her into the car seat she kept repeating mommy coming, mommy coming, mommy coming.  I wish I knew how to fix this for her but I don't so we have to keep working through it.  Yesterday my parents came to watch her for a couple of hours so I could go have my hair colored.  She was so excited to see them but after a couple of minutes she figured out that this could mean that I was going and she wasn't.  She started acting out and screaming and then when I kissed her goodbye and said mommy will be back in a little while she fell apart.  She recovered in a couple of minutes but that was still with my parents who we see all the time and she adores.  When I came home she was napping and when she woke up and saw me she kept saying mommy home, mommy home.  In some ways I'm comforted that she remembers that when I say I will always come home I mean it.  But my heart hurts for her and all that she's been through.  She still has a lot of loss and grief to work out.  That will be a life long project and it's going to get harder.  Right now it's grief for caretakers but soon enough it will be about her birth family.  I read this blog post this weekend by another single mom and it had me in tears.  Her daughter is a couple of years olderthan Grace but I have no doubt that we'll be in that same situation in a couple of years, if not sooner.  Adoption is such a complicated thing.  You can't just bring someone into your family and say hey, now I'm your mommy so forget everyone and everything that came before me.  She is who she is because of those people and experiences just like being with me and the life we have together will help to shape who she becomes.  But just because she loves me doesn't mean she won't be sad that there is a family she won't know the same way she will know me.  It doesn't mean that she won't resent me for taking her away or that she won't feel badly because she doesn't have a daddy like everyone else because her mommy didn't come with one.  I guess I am just afraid that no matter how hard I try to prepare myself for when these things come up, I will never adequately be able to address them. But I feel strongly that she's allowed to feel what she feels and my job is to let that happen and to continue to help her and love her through it all.  And with all of this being said, it doesn't change my opinion on adoption and I do not for a minute second guess my decision to adopt.  I knew there were going to be really hard parts to this but she's worth going through every bit of this for and I hope she'll feel the same about me some day.