I originally wrote this post on April 25th but couldn't decide if I would publish it or not. I decided today to publish it but it showed up with the original date.
Since the day I met Grace's family I have not stopped thinking about them or how we're all connected. I've also been thinking about how and when I will introduce them to Grace via my story of our meeting, videos and pictures. I often wonder how you start the conversation and how pictures might be the best introduction. I brought this subject up to our social worker at our second visit. While I know Grace is way too young to understand all of this, I know that at some point I will need to be prepared for the questions and as many of you know, I like to be prepared.
After a lot of thinking and soul searching, I decided that I would put pictures of Graces family in her room. I don't want them to be pictures in a photo album that we forget to look at. I want them to be a part of our lives and I figure by hanging them in her room, she'll always remember just knowing who they were. It won't have to be a big formal introduction. I found a frame that held 4 photos. The first photo is a picture of the area she is from, the other three photos are of her family members. I am intentionally being vague here because as I have said before, and believe with all my heart, the story is Grace's to tell and I am just the keeper of it. Who she shares the details with is up to her. I am sharing this part because even though it's Grace's family, it really is more about me and my own response to the pictures. So I put the picture up and I had a myriad of emotions. My first was that they had made such a sacrifice and I felt overwhelming sadness for their loss. I had a feeling as if I had somehow taken something from them but I know that isn't the case. They gave her to me. I know that, I believe that, I feel that. They did so because they knew it was what she needed. I also felt sadness that we're here and happy and together. It was hard to leave them knowing what their lives are like. I'm not saying they're not happy and that their life is not fulfilling, but it's a hard life they lead. I wish there was a way for me to lessen their burden. So I hung the picture and I didn't make a big deal of it to Grace. In fact she was playing on the floor of her room and wasn't even paying attention to what I was doing. But when I had finished and picked her up to change her diaper she noticed it immediately. She had a big smile on her face and she started waving to them. My first thought was oh my god, she knows who they are, what must she be thinking of me for taking her away from them? Now, I don't think she really recognized them. In reality, she spent a very, very small amount of time with them. I think the real reaction was hey, those people are my same color. This is the second time she has had that reaction. The first was when my parents gave her a beautiful African American doll for her birthday. Her reaction to that doll was to give it kisses. It was the only gift she had an immediate reaction to. It's now clear to me that she recognizes that there are different colors to different people. And frankly, it's only natural and soon enough she will have questions for me about why we have different skin colors. And I need to start preparing now for how I will answer those questions and all the other ones that are bound to come up. I guess I was surprised that at one she already notices differences. I just want her to be as comfortable with the differences as she can be. And I hope she will feel that despite the differences, what we have in common is greater than how we're different, and how we're different is important too and definitely worth celebrating. This is the part of parenting that I find difficult. It's not the feeding or the chasing after or the diapers. It's how to start now with instilling her with the tools she needs to develop inner strength, self confidence and being comfortable with who she is, what she looks like and where and whom she comes from. It's a big job but I'm up for the challenge.
