Making Adjustments

So a couple of posts ago I mentioned that I was readjusting my expectations in regards to what our weekends should be about.  I realized that Gracie needs a lot more down time and I needed to reduce the amount of errands and things I tried to accomplish on the weekends.  So far we're making progress.  We are still having issues with her screaming but it's starting to improve.  I think part of it is because she is getting more of a vocabulary and part of it is me setting her up to succeed instead of fail.  In stead of trying to get to the grocery store, the post office, Target, other errands, etc, all in one morning I try to make it two short errands per day and then more time for fun and playing.  It's been working out pretty well.  One thing I did was to change when and how we grocery shop.  We now go when the store opens at 7:00a.m.  It's far less crowded so we can get in and out faster.  I also choose to walk in the entrance that has a little merry-go-round.  On the way in the store I point out the horsies and say oh, I hope this morning Gracie will get to ride the horses.  If we get through the store with no screaming Gracie gets to ride the horsie.  She's very excited at the prospect but we haven't gotten there yet, although each week we get closer.  As we go through the store I praise her on how well she is doing and that it will be so much fun to ride the horsies if we have no screaming.  Last week we made it almost the whole way through when she screamed because she wanted to color on the shopping list and I didn't have a pen.  When she screamed I simply said oh, Gracie, I'm sorry you won't get to ride the horsie this week.  She looked at me and said "oh no, Gacie cream.  Oh, no horsie!"  She let out one more small scream and while I was sure she was going to fall apart, she pulled it together.  I kept telling her she did a really good job this time but we have to have no screaming to ride the horsie.  On the way out of the store she waived to the horsies and said "bye horsies.  I cream, I no ride you.  I ride you again". I also try to engage her in what we're buying and that helps too. She has developed a love for Jello (ick) so that's her job, to be  on the lookout for the jello.  I am hopeful that one of these Sundays she'll get to ride and every week I come with my quarters just in case. 

I have also come to the realization that I can not do everything and that time with Gracie is more important than dusting and cleaning.  We don't have a large place but with working full time and having a child who really needs more of my attention on nights and weekends, I just couldn't keep up with it.  I can maintain, but the dusting and the really good scrubbing of toilets and sinks just wasn't happening.  After thinking about it for months, I finally decided to hire a cleaning company.  I hesitated so long because it really felt like it was more for me than for Gracie but as my dad reminded me, it saves my time for Gracie and that is the real gift.  The first cleaning was yesterday and can I just tell you, I so wish I had done this sooner.  It was so nice to come home to a beautifully cleaned house with beds made and sheets changed and I didn't have to do it.  Actually, getting ready for the cleaners to come was really helpful because it forced me to get rid of the little piles that were beginning to accumulate.  I feel so much less stress knowing that cleaning is not something I have to try to fit into the weekend.  I'm having them come every other week as every week doesn't fit in the budget.  I could have done once a month but it sort of felt like that would defeat the purpose and since I already knew I could squeeze it into the budget I just went ahead and signed up for bi-weekly. 

So in Gracie news, well, she's just doing so great.  Every day she says or does something new.  Last night we were leaving a restaurant and when we got to the car she said "that's mommy's car",  And I said yes it is and she said "that's Gracie's car too.  You share mommy".   As we were driving home she kept saying "mommy, I kiss you, I kiss you" as she blew me kisses. Everything lately is "mommy watch me, watch me" or "I got you mommy, I got you mommy" and she runs up and gives me a hug.  She's very affectionate and loving and funny.  And she loves for us to sing together.  The new favorite this week is this old man.  I'm ready to move on and make the old man take a nap but Gracie wants to keep singing about him. 

It's hard to believe but she turns 2 in a couple of weeks.  Her birthday party is two weeks from today.  My sister Amy is coming in a week from today to spend her spring break (she's a teacher) with us and to be here for Gracies' party.  Gracie can not stop talking about Auntie Amy coming.  When we're in the car she reminds me Auntie Amy is coming.  When we're going to bed, when she's waking up, when we brush her teeth, when we play with her babies, she reminds me that Auntie Amy is coming.  She can't wait.  We're having a Minnie Mouse party or as Gracie says, Minnie House.  I'm looking forward to it.  I think we're mostly ready with just a few little things to do.  I like to do things in advance so I don't stress about them.  Well, so I stress less about them.  I did decide that this year we're doing a deli plate, salad and some meatballs in the crock pot and are calling it a day.  Last year I did appetizers thinking that would be so easy but really, not so much.  I had to keep putting different things in the oven and then had to keep re-filling.  Far more work than I anticipated.  This year I'm opting for a little more casual.  But it will be fun none the less.

The Hard Parts

I have been thinking about this post for a long time.  I have seen many Mommy's in the blog world post recently about attachment and I thought I would chime in with my thoughts on Grace and I.  In general I think we're really solid.  She knows who mommy is, she looks to me for comfort, for snuggles or just to sit and make faces at each other.  But attachment is an on going process and even though we're both working hard, she does have abandonment issues.  I think people are surprised when I say that because they assume that since she was only 8 months when I brought her home she shouldn't remember any of that.  And while she may not remember details she knows that there were people that loved her that left her.  I have no doubt about that.  She has a much harder time forming bonds with women than men.  I think it's because her primary care takers have always been women and in her mind, she thinks that if I replaced some other lady, some other lady could replace me.  She has absolutely no issues with being left with my sister during the day.  She doesn't feel threatened by her presence and she gets by now that mommy goes during the day to work and that auntie Kate takes care of her and then mommy comes home.  But in other situations or with other people, it can be stressful for her.  Last week we were at a friends house for a play date.  We had a great couple of hours and then it was time to go.  I put Grace's coat on first and she was standing at the door way next to my friends husband and she got this look of panic on her face and burst into tears.  I know what it's from because we see it quite frequently.  It's the fear that she's going off with someone and I am not coming.  It all stemmed from the fact that her coat was on and mine wasn't yet.  And it doesn't help if my coats on first because then she thinks I'm leaving her behind.  I somehow have to figure out how to get both of our coats on simultaneously.  As a somewhat rational person, I understand exactly what she's going through.  She has big abandonment issues but as her mother it absolutely rips my heart out each time to see it.  No matter how many times I reassure her, there is still the fear that I won't come back.  After I got my coat on I picked her up and said Gracie, mommy is coming with you. The whole way out to the driveway, to the car and while I buckled her into the car seat she kept repeating mommy coming, mommy coming, mommy coming.  I wish I knew how to fix this for her but I don't so we have to keep working through it.  Yesterday my parents came to watch her for a couple of hours so I could go have my hair colored.  She was so excited to see them but after a couple of minutes she figured out that this could mean that I was going and she wasn't.  She started acting out and screaming and then when I kissed her goodbye and said mommy will be back in a little while she fell apart.  She recovered in a couple of minutes but that was still with my parents who we see all the time and she adores.  When I came home she was napping and when she woke up and saw me she kept saying mommy home, mommy home.  In some ways I'm comforted that she remembers that when I say I will always come home I mean it.  But my heart hurts for her and all that she's been through.  She still has a lot of loss and grief to work out.  That will be a life long project and it's going to get harder.  Right now it's grief for caretakers but soon enough it will be about her birth family.  I read this blog post this weekend by another single mom and it had me in tears.  Her daughter is a couple of years olderthan Grace but I have no doubt that we'll be in that same situation in a couple of years, if not sooner.  Adoption is such a complicated thing.  You can't just bring someone into your family and say hey, now I'm your mommy so forget everyone and everything that came before me.  She is who she is because of those people and experiences just like being with me and the life we have together will help to shape who she becomes.  But just because she loves me doesn't mean she won't be sad that there is a family she won't know the same way she will know me.  It doesn't mean that she won't resent me for taking her away or that she won't feel badly because she doesn't have a daddy like everyone else because her mommy didn't come with one.  I guess I am just afraid that no matter how hard I try to prepare myself for when these things come up, I will never adequately be able to address them. But I feel strongly that she's allowed to feel what she feels and my job is to let that happen and to continue to help her and love her through it all.  And with all of this being said, it doesn't change my opinion on adoption and I do not for a minute second guess my decision to adopt.  I knew there were going to be really hard parts to this but she's worth going through every bit of this for and I hope she'll feel the same about me some day.