The Hard Parts

I have been thinking about this post for a long time.  I have seen many Mommy's in the blog world post recently about attachment and I thought I would chime in with my thoughts on Grace and I.  In general I think we're really solid.  She knows who mommy is, she looks to me for comfort, for snuggles or just to sit and make faces at each other.  But attachment is an on going process and even though we're both working hard, she does have abandonment issues.  I think people are surprised when I say that because they assume that since she was only 8 months when I brought her home she shouldn't remember any of that.  And while she may not remember details she knows that there were people that loved her that left her.  I have no doubt about that.  She has a much harder time forming bonds with women than men.  I think it's because her primary care takers have always been women and in her mind, she thinks that if I replaced some other lady, some other lady could replace me.  She has absolutely no issues with being left with my sister during the day.  She doesn't feel threatened by her presence and she gets by now that mommy goes during the day to work and that auntie Kate takes care of her and then mommy comes home.  But in other situations or with other people, it can be stressful for her.  Last week we were at a friends house for a play date.  We had a great couple of hours and then it was time to go.  I put Grace's coat on first and she was standing at the door way next to my friends husband and she got this look of panic on her face and burst into tears.  I know what it's from because we see it quite frequently.  It's the fear that she's going off with someone and I am not coming.  It all stemmed from the fact that her coat was on and mine wasn't yet.  And it doesn't help if my coats on first because then she thinks I'm leaving her behind.  I somehow have to figure out how to get both of our coats on simultaneously.  As a somewhat rational person, I understand exactly what she's going through.  She has big abandonment issues but as her mother it absolutely rips my heart out each time to see it.  No matter how many times I reassure her, there is still the fear that I won't come back.  After I got my coat on I picked her up and said Gracie, mommy is coming with you. The whole way out to the driveway, to the car and while I buckled her into the car seat she kept repeating mommy coming, mommy coming, mommy coming.  I wish I knew how to fix this for her but I don't so we have to keep working through it.  Yesterday my parents came to watch her for a couple of hours so I could go have my hair colored.  She was so excited to see them but after a couple of minutes she figured out that this could mean that I was going and she wasn't.  She started acting out and screaming and then when I kissed her goodbye and said mommy will be back in a little while she fell apart.  She recovered in a couple of minutes but that was still with my parents who we see all the time and she adores.  When I came home she was napping and when she woke up and saw me she kept saying mommy home, mommy home.  In some ways I'm comforted that she remembers that when I say I will always come home I mean it.  But my heart hurts for her and all that she's been through.  She still has a lot of loss and grief to work out.  That will be a life long project and it's going to get harder.  Right now it's grief for caretakers but soon enough it will be about her birth family.  I read this blog post this weekend by another single mom and it had me in tears.  Her daughter is a couple of years olderthan Grace but I have no doubt that we'll be in that same situation in a couple of years, if not sooner.  Adoption is such a complicated thing.  You can't just bring someone into your family and say hey, now I'm your mommy so forget everyone and everything that came before me.  She is who she is because of those people and experiences just like being with me and the life we have together will help to shape who she becomes.  But just because she loves me doesn't mean she won't be sad that there is a family she won't know the same way she will know me.  It doesn't mean that she won't resent me for taking her away or that she won't feel badly because she doesn't have a daddy like everyone else because her mommy didn't come with one.  I guess I am just afraid that no matter how hard I try to prepare myself for when these things come up, I will never adequately be able to address them. But I feel strongly that she's allowed to feel what she feels and my job is to let that happen and to continue to help her and love her through it all.  And with all of this being said, it doesn't change my opinion on adoption and I do not for a minute second guess my decision to adopt.  I knew there were going to be really hard parts to this but she's worth going through every bit of this for and I hope she'll feel the same about me some day.