Hair

When I started the adoption process there was only one thing that terrified me at the prospect of having a daughter.  Hair.  I can't do my own un-remarkable typical straight white person hair.  How in the world could I possibly take care of an African daughters hair?  Fast forward to last August when I got my referral and saw my daughter for the very first time.  I'm the only person I know of who got a referral of a four month old with 4 little pony tails.  She had a head full of hair and my first thought was, well, I better learn how to take care of it.

About a week after I received Grace's referral, I bought five books on African/African-American hair.  Turns out that all five books went into great detail on how to style the hair, but there was no information on how to care for the hair.  At that point, I started looking at Ethiopian adoption blogs and I found a lot of tips about hair care.  I learned information about how often to wash, condition, etc.  But every persons hair is different so it was still hard to figure out what products to use.  I did some trial and error and I found some products that worked but the texture of her hair has changed and I have been worried that the products weren't right for her anymore.  I finally decided that I needed to talk to a professional who could help me with products, maintenance, etc. 

I had a card of a salon that my sister knew about but quite frankly, I was intimidated to call.  It wasn't like I thought they would be mean to me, but I was nervous that they would look at her hair and think this white woman doesn't have a clue about this poor baby's hair.  But in the end, I knew that what I don't know can ruin her hair and I want her to be proud of her gorgeous curly hair.  I know that hair is very important to African/African-American women and I don't want to do anything that could make her feel bad about hers.  So I bit the bullet and I made an appointment for today. 

So this morning we go to BB Hair Salon in North Billerica, MA.  This was the best hair experience I have ever had and I feel like a fool for not going sooner.  The women that worked there were so warm and lovely to Grace.  She isn't a big fan of having her hair fiddled with so she was a little apprehensive.  Plus, she needs a few minutes to warm up to people.  These ladies were really gentle with her and were so kind.  One of the women is from Africa herself, although I can't recall which country. I guess once I relaxed and stopped being so nervous I flaked out a bit After I talked to the stylist about what I needed she said "I really appreciate you bringing her in.  I know as a mom that sometimes it's really hard to admit when aren't sure how to do something for our kids."  She just really put me at ease.  I told her what our haircare ritual was and she said I was definitely on the right track but that we needed to use different products.  I asked a million questions and she was just so patient and answered every single one of them. She said we needed products with more oil in it since her hair really needs that.  So she put Moroccan oil in her hair and brushed it all out, then used some styling cream and put it into pony tails.  They just looked so much better than when I do it because I never got her hair smooth.  She has these ringlets at the front that I had stopped combing out because they got frizzy but they told me to go ahead and comb them.  She also said that I can use regular baby shampoo since she still has her baby hair, and gave me a shampoo she recommended that I use once a month for a good cleansing.  She said her hair texture is going to change again when the rest of her baby hair falls out and that's when she'll need a trim but for now we're back on the right track and now I have a place to go for styling, braids, or even just reassurance. They told me that they have about a dozen clients or so who are white and have African children. They also said I can call them any time with questions. If you need a hair salon for your child and you live anywhere near North Billerica, MA I would HIGHLY recommend this salon.  I can imagine us going to them for years. Tonight we used the new shampoo and I can already tell the difference with that and the Moroccan oil.  Her hair is so soft and it was so easy to comb through (with the new comb we bought).  Seriously, it's the best 45 minutes I have spent and I really wish I had done this sooner.  It's really important to talk to someone who can really understand how to care for their hair. 

So I am no longer intimidated about Grace's hair because I now have the tools to take great care of it.  I really should have done this months ago.  I guess I'm just a little slow on the uptake sometimes, but I think I may be learning my lesson.

What to think

Sometimes I just don't know what to call these posts.  This is one of those times. 

Several weeks ago Grace started saying dada. She never directed it towards anyone, at least not that I heard. It was really just the typical babble that most babies have.  Fast forward to this weekend when I was pretty sure I heard her referring to my brother-in-law Dennis as dada.  It was confirmed tonight when he came home from work and we were still up at their house and she stood at the gate when he walked in and yelled Dada!  Turns out that she's said this several times before and while we were on vacation she called my other brother-in-law Kevin dada too.  Now, I couldn't pick two better men for her to think of as father figures.  I adore my brother-in-laws and they are beyond wonderful to Grace and love her completely.  Since we live downstairs from my sister and brother-in-law, I was expecting that at some point she would call him Dada.  And it doesn't upset me, in fact, in some ways it makes me really happy because she knows that they are special and that she really loves them, so they must be like a daddy.  Plus, she hears them called daddy all the time.  But if I am being honest with myself, it makes me a little sad.  At 16 months she knows that other people have daddy's and while she doesn't yet realize that she doesn't that day is coming.  I wonder if she will feel cheated that she doesn't have a dad around.  I wonder if there will be a hole in her that just a mommy can't fill.  Deep down I know that I have filled her life with men who will fulfill that daddy role in many, many ways.  She has my dad, my two wonderful brother-in-laws, and wonderful uncles who I have no doubt we can and will call on in a moments notice.  But it probably won't be the same.  I knew all of this before I decided to adopt.  I thought long and hard about whether it was fair to a child to bring them into a family knowing that there isn't a dad.  Ultimately, I am comfortable with my decision and of course, hope that some day there is the possibility that I will meet a great guy that Grace and I both love.  But if it doesn't happen, I know we have great men to be role models and supports in her life.  But it still makes me a little sad. 

When I called my sister Amy to tell her about it, she asked me how I handled it.  I told her I said oh, Gracie, did you see Uncle Dennis?  Oh I bet you're so happy to see him.  She clapped and batted her eyes at him like she usually does.  I'm not going to tell her not to call him dada because she obviously feels very close to him and thinks of him as a daddy figure.  I don't want to discourage that and I don't want her to grow up thinking it's wrong to think of him that way.  So we'll keep referring to him as uncle Dennis and if she calls him dada for a while it's OK, with him, with Grace and with me.