I've Still Got Nothin

So I wanted to update the blog since it's been a week but to be honest, I still have nothing to report. There still hasn't been word of anyone from my agency passing through court yet. No sense of when I will travel. Not even any measurement updates of Grace. I really have nothing and honestly, it's getting pretty draining. I feel like I'm in a holding pattern and can't plan anything for fear that I'll get the e-mail telling me to travel.

Last saturday I took Meghan and Jacob out with me to do errands. At first Meghan didn't want to come but then she changed her mind. When I asked her why she now wanted to come, she said "Auntie, I was thinking that it's getting hard to not have Gracie and I didn't want your errands to be sad and boring so I thought it would make you happy if I came with you." Even the five year old knows I'm on the verge of cracking. I'm hopeful that something will happen soon. Any little sign would be very welcome. Here's hoping that the next post is a little more up beat.

I Don't Want To Wait Anymore

Not that I have any say in this part of the process, but I really don't want to wait anymore. I just want to get on a plane and go get my daughter. I want to stop thinking about what it will be like to have her in my arms. I want to walk around the house with her in the new baby sling I got for my shower. I want to put her down in her very own crib in her very own room meant just for her. I want to go to Target with Grace instead of just going there for Grace. I know she's well cared for but I want her to be well cared for by me. I want to be the one kissing her forehead to see if she has a fever. I want to give her a bath and put her lotion on her. I want to cuddle on the couch in her room and read all of the books I've bought while I've been waiting for her. I want to begin being a real life mother to a real life baby. I love looking at her beautiful picture but I am ready for the real version. The version that poops and cries and smiles and giggles.

So in case the above paragraph hasn't clued you in, I haven't heard any news about travel and It's really starting to get hard. Excruciatingly hard. Yet all I can do it wait. Her room is ready, her clothes and towels and crib sheets are washed and put away. Her baby book is filled out as much as it can be. Heck, I even finished my shower thank you's in 5 days. I'm running out of busy work. And sanity. I just want my punkin to come.

Shower The People You Love With Love

Well, in my case the people showered me and what a shower it was!! Last Sunday my sisters and parents threw me the most amazing baby shower. I knew the place and date but I didn't know any of the details. When I got there I walked into a long hallway that had the place cards on it and a framed picture of Grace. At the end of that table was a small table with my very favorite picture of Grace and an album. My sisters had sent out little note cards with the invitations. The note cards had pumpkins stamped on them and each guest was asked to write a wish or a good thought for Grace and I. All the cards were put in an album. I have very thoughtful, creative sisters. Next we went into the main function room where all the guests were for the beautiful brunch that was planned. The theme of the shower was...........a punkin baby! The invitations were a little African baby popping out of a pumpkin. The cake replicated the invitation. The centerpieces were pumpkins with a little African baby in a diaper, with a pink bow on her head sitting on top. The pumpkin was on a pile of silk fall leaves surrounded with fall wrapped Hershey kisses. The favors were little pumpkin candles. And each table had a different framed picture of my punkin baby Grace. I'll tell you, my family can carry out a theme like nobodys business.

There were about 55 friends and family and it was really amazing the amount of love I felt in that room. It felt like everyone else was as excited to be there as I was. I was just overwhelmed by the love and good wishes blessed upon us. You can not believe the amount of gifts that Grace and I received. Other than diapers and formula, there is very little left that I need to buy. We got a travel system, high chair, her bedding set etc. She got some of the most adorable clothes I have ever seen and her Aunt Andrea got her these little socks that look like Mary Jane shoe's. This girl will be styling.

I was really blown away with some of the gorgeous gifts that people made for her. Our dear family friend Gail made her a quilt that is a map of the world. My friend Karen's mother made her a beautiful sweater. A few other friends made her blankets as did two of my aunts. One of the most special pieces was a quilt made by my Aunt Nancy. It's a brown and pink quilt that matches her room beautifully, but she also put her referral picture on fabric and then sewed it onto the quilt. I wish I could post a picture but since it has her picture on in it, I can't, but trust me, it's fantastic. Another amazing gift was a painting that my cousin Ann made. At first glance it looks like she painted a butterfly but as you look closer you see that it's actually the letters of her name that make the butterfly. Her Ethiopian name is the body of the butterfly and then Grace and Elizabeth make the wings. I know my description doesn't do it justice but it is absolutely adorable. She also painted flowers that are exactly the same type of flowers that are on the decals that I put on her wall. Ann is the craftiest person I have ever met and I can not imagine how much time this took her. These are the types of people I have in my life. The people that will take their time to make beautiful things for your baby. Now you can begin to understand why I rave about them. It was a perfect day in every way. My sisters Amy and Kate, my dad and my step mom spent over a year thinking about what the shower would be like and no detail was left to chance. I don't really have enough of a vocabulary to express how grateful I am. Not just for the beautiful shower but for the richness they bring to my life. Thanks again to all my friends and family for coming and celebrating with me. I'm so lucky to have you in our lives.

The weekend in general was just spectacular. My friends Andrea and Robin flew in Saturday from Ohio and we spent the day walking around Salem. Late that afternoon my friend Brenda and her husband Bill and their baby Thomas came in from Delaware and then my friend Lisa came from Vermont. My sister Amy flew in from California on Saturday night. After the shower on Sunday we all hung out with my family and some other friends and watched the Redsox and the Patriots lose. That was the only sad part of the whole weekend. I'm not over the Redsox yet but I do have to root for the angels because I only root for two teams... The Redsox and whoever beats the Yankees. On Sunday night we went through all of the gifts from the shower since it was such a blur when I was opening them. That was a lot of fun. On Monday I did some organizing, spent some time with my family and then had dinner with Andrea and Robin. It was such a great weekend. I can't remember the last time I had that much fun. Well, that's the wrap up but no fear, there will be a few pictures to follow. They are not of the actual shower as I don't have those pictures yet but they'll give you an idea of what it was like.

Most of the Gifts from the shower. I plan to show her this picture when she's 13 and says she never gets anything.

Centerpiece

Shower Favor

Bedding Courtesy of Grandma Judi and Baseball Honey(my parents)

Quilt by my Aunt Nancy. I can only show the part without Grace's picture

Quilt of the World made by Gail

Sweater made by my friend Karen's mom

The closet full of beautiful clothes

Guess Who is 6 Months Today?

Why my Gracie of course! I wonder how she's doing today and I keep hoping that this will be the last month that she'll be without me, though I know that's highly unlikely. It's amazing to think that I'm over here counting every second we're apart and my poor little baby has no idea that her little life as she knows it is about to be turned upside down. For the better, I know, but still, imagine what that must be like when you're so little and have no idea what's happening. I certainly hope that she feels all the love I'm sending her today and everyday and somehow senses that her mommy will be coming soon.

On a completely unrelated note, I have noticed that over 930 people have viewed my blog, yet almost no one ever posts. I certainly don't blame you because I too am a lurker and rarely post on other peoples blogs but it would be nice to know who you are. So leave a post some time if you feel like it. And if you don't well, I don't know who you are so I can't be mad at you.

So since there is not much else to report on I am going to just sit and count the hours until the Big Bang Theory is on. Actually, first let me post this public service message. Dear Public: Watch the Big Bang Theory!! Best Wishes, Beth. Seriously, you will not regret a second of it and you will laugh hysterically the entire time. I'm still chuckling over last week's episode. It's so good that I refuse to answer my phone when it's on. Trust me people, you'll be thanking me for turning you onto it.

Not Much Going On

I got some amazing new pictures of Grace this week. A parent who traveled two weeks ago to pick up her daughter offered to take pictures for me. As it turns out, she is also a professional photographer. These pictures are gorgeous. I'm so touched by the time and care she took. She got pictures of her during her bath, with the nannies, just hanging around on the floor and while she was sleeping. And when she sleeps she sucks on two fingers. It's the cutest thing. In every picture you can tell she is well looked after and well cared for. When my dad saw the pictures he said, "you can really tell she's getting a lot of love".

So it's getting a little harder now. The courts reopened at the end of September but they are training for a couple of weeks. There's been no information on when they will start hearing cases again. I was prepared for this type of thing to happen but even still, it's slightly frustrating. I just want to get on a plane and get my daughter.

My shower is next Sunday which I am ridiculously excited for. Lots of people I haven't seen for a bit and friends start coming in next Saturday. Can not wait! Will post pictures of the big shin dig when I can.

Well, this is a bit of a boring post, but right now, I'm just a bit of a boring gal with not much to report. Here's hoping for exciting news in the very near future.

Blessings

I got a measurement update yesterday on Gracie. She has gained almost a pound and has grown a little over an inch in a month. The international pediatrician thinks her measurements look pretty good. The weight is low but that's sort of expected and I know we'll catch her up in no time.

No word on travel yet but I did hear from my agency today that all my CIS updates have been received by the Ethiopian Embassy. That's great news because if you're updated information(finger prints and I600A) are not received by the embassy prior to travel you'll have some issues that could delay your travel. I'm relieved to have that out of the way. I should be receiving our Ethiopian Visa's any day now.

I know I talk about this a lot, but I am really just blown away by the love and support that has been coming my way. I never doubted that Gracie would be adored and accepted but the trouble everyone is going to for us leaves me speechless. In October my parents and sisters are throwing me a baby shower. I know the when and the where but nothing else. Knowing my family, it's going to be absolutely awesome. I have waited so long for a baby and there were definitely times when I just thought it was never going to happen. So to be at a point where we're a little over two weeks away from celebrating Grace's arrival is surreal to me. I know that people are really happy for me and excited about Grace, but I guess I never expected people to go out of their way for us. It's such a happy time in my life and I feel so lucky to have such amazing people to share it with. When I made the invitation list I put on the people I am close to and would love to have there fully expecting that not everyone would be able to come, especially those out of town. But to my surprise, I have several friends and my older sister coming in from out of town and another dear friend trying to make it. You might think wow, that's a lot of effort for a baby shower, and hey, I wouldn't disagree with you. But for me, it's so much more than a baby shower. It's a chance to share one of the happiest events in my life with the people that mean so much to me and will become so important to Grace.

I am not a very good sleeper. I haven't been since I was a baby. I think it's because I'm a worrier and at night, I often have so many things that I'm thinking of that it's hard to sleep. Last night I was thinking about all the blessings in my life and I remembered an old Bing Crosby song that's a favorite of mine. It's called Counting My Blessings and I just love the lyrics:

When I'm worried and I can't sleep
I count my blessings instead of sheep
And I fall asleep counting my blessings
When my bankroll is getting small
I think of when I had none at all
And I fall asleep counting my blessings

I think about a nursery and I picture curly heads
And one by one I count them as they slumber in their beds
If you're worried and you can't sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings

And that's exactly what I did. I fell asleep thinking about all the good things and good people in my life and the extraordinary journey I'm about to take to my punkin. And I did fall asleep, counting my blessings.

Isn't She Lovely

So, I can't post pictures of Grace because we haven't passed court yet, but if you haven't seen her picture yet trust me, she is just lovely. She has enormous eyes and gorgeous long eyelashes that curl a bit at the end. She has a sly little smile that's a mixture of sweetness and fun. She has big feet (in comparison to the rest of her) and she has a head of hair that most people would die for. She had so much hair that in her referral picture she has three little pony tails. I received updated pictures from two families last week and in all the pictures her hair is full and lovely. She looks really well cared for, happy, healthy and loved. Pretty much everything I could hope for aside from being told I can go pick her up.

To prepare our impending trip I have had my first set of travel shots and I go back at the end of the month for the next round. My sister, step-mom and I sent away yesterday for our Visa's. They're good for two years so there's no problem with getting them now. I'm starting to think about the things we will need for the trip and what sort of donations I should bring. I have read through all the travel information that my agency provides to prepare you for travel and there's still things to do to keep me busy.

One of the things I need to start on is the photo album for the birth family visit. I haven't really talked much about Grace's birth family and I definitely won't give any explicit details here on the blog but she does have a living birth parent that I hope to meet when I am in Ethiopia. My agency supports and arranges for a birth family visit should the parent or family member relinquishing the child want one. If her family is willing, which most are, I will travel with my sister Kate to their village to meet them. My step mom can't go because she can't get the yellow fever vaccine so she will stay in Addis. We'll travel to the southern part of the country where Grace is from and meet with her family. The only thing I am able to give her family is a photo album. I am making copies of all the pictures I have received of her to date to include as it's likely they have no photos at all of her. I will also include pictures of her room, our house, our church and the school she will likely attend. It will be my way of showing her family that I can provide what they hoped for when they relinquished her. They wanted her to have a happy life and a good education and I will spend the rest of my life making sure I keep that promise. I am also allowed to write them a letter and to be honest, I don't even know how to begin. How do you thank someone for having to make a choice that no parent should have to face. In a perfect world they would have been able to raise her themselves but life is not always like that. I can't imagine what it has to feel like to know that you can not provide the most basic of needs to your child. What it must feel like to love someone so much and yet know that love is not enough for them. That they really would be better off with another family even if that means they go to another country. What must it be like to have to sacrifice a piece of yourself in order to do right by your baby? My guess is that part of your heart never fully heals. Imagine the kind of strength you have to muster to be able to do this. And then imagine that you're going to sit face to face with the person who will raise her and love her. What will they think of me? Will thinking of Grace always bring them sadness or will they be able to take heart in the fact that she will have a good life with another mother, another family who will love her with everything they have. Will they be able to answer the questions I ask so that I can tell Grace about them as she grows older? Or will the pain be too fresh? And what will they want to know about me? This birth family visit will be the most difficult, and hopefully rewarding experience of my life. I believe it will be the best gift I will ever give Grace. It will be a small glimpse into her history. An opportunity to see her family on video(assuming they allow me to tape it) and to hear their voices and know in their own words how they loved her and what they wish her life will bring her, how they would like her to remember them and perhaps a little snippet of who they are. It's overwhelming to think about this part of the trip. To be honest, having the opportunity to meet with the birth family was one of the major reasons why I chose to adopt through Ethiopia. I don't want her first family to be a mystery to her and I think I owe it to her to give her as much information as I can and then allow her to receive it when and in the manner in which she is ready to hear it. The sacrifices her family made is what has allowed me to become her mother. That's a gift and a responsibility that I do not take lightly.

Since I requested a child of either gender I really didn't know if it would be a boy or a girl, but I suspected I would get a boy in the 18-24 month range as it seemed at the time I started the process the wait was a little shorter for the upper end of my age range and it just seemed like a boy was more likely. But the moment I got the call and knew she was a girl and then I saw Grace for the first time, it was clear that she was meant to be my child. Telling people about my daughter seems like the most natural thing I've ever said. I have her picture in every room of my house, sans the bathroom, and I sit in her room every night and talk to her, even if it's just for a moment. It makes me feel close to her. I feel so lucky and joyous and yet at the same time, I ache for the family that loves her enough to let her go. The emotions that come with adoption are ones that I have great difficulty expressing. It brings tremendous joy and profound sorrow for everyone involved. I am lucky to be on the receiving end of the most amazing gift ever but the task ahead of me is to provide her with all the love, support and opportunities that I can. It's the very promise I make to her family and I will fulfill it no matter what. I will do it because I can, because I am able to, because I love her more than I can say. And while I will be the physical parent, she will carry them with her forever and we'll embrace and be grateful for that every day that we have.