Two Sides of the Family

When I started the adoption process there were a lot of things I worried about. One in particular was that the baby wouldn't have a father. Actually, I have to say that it wasn't so much the father part since I have so many great males in my family who I know will be great male influences. I guess my real concern was that they would only end up with one side of the family. I always enjoyed having my mom's side and my dad's side. Though we were always closer to my mom's side, my dad's side had a lot more aunts and uncles and cousins and though I didn't see them that often, I liked knowing there were so many of them.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I realize that the punkin will have two sides. The mommy's family side and the mommy's family of friends side.

The mommy's family side consists of my dad and step mom, my sisters Amy and Kate and their husbands Kevin and Dennis and their amazing children Nate, Sarah, Meghan and Jake. It also includes my Aunt Wendy and Uncle Hank who are like a second set of parents, my cousin Ann and her husband Jon and Ella and Caleb, my cousin Jenny and Ethan and my cousin Eric. Not to mention all my cousins, (especially my cousin Erin whose always seems to send me a friendly e-mail just when I think the waiting is about to make me crack. Her timing is always impeccable), aunts, uncles and family friends on both sides. I know that I have an incredible support team and I know how lucky I am but a child can never have enough people that love them.

For those who know me well, you realize that I don't make friends that easily. I have lots of acquaintances and people I enjoy but I have a very small group of true blue friends that I cherish. They are the people that read this blog religiously(even though hardly anyone uses the comments section!), are calling or e-mailing to check in on me and how the process is going and are waiting for the day I call or e-mail with the good news of who my punkin is and when I'll bring her or him home. These are the people that will be the "other side" of the family. They include, but are not limited to, Karen and Jimmy who I've mentioned before, and their four kids. Ellen and Jon and their three kids. Ellen and is my friend that I met in the seventh grade and we've been there for each other ever since. And even though they're in Florida now, the separation hasn't made a difference. There's Andrea and Rob and their dog Austin who live in Ohio. Andrea and I met over 7 years ago when we both worked at Lesley University. I think it took about a half a week for us to become buddies and we've been super close ever since. She and Rob are gentle souls and I feel so grateful to have them in my life. Then there's Cyn, the Big Meanie, my roommate my senior year of college. On paper there probably aren't two people who had less in common than she and I did but we just clicked. We have that kind of friendship where you don't need to talk often or give the friendship a lot of maintenance. We have the kind of friendship that you can come back to and every time it's like you never left. And her and her husband Mark and their dog Sammy Davison Jr live nearby in New Hampshire. Let's not forget Brenda and Bill in Delaware, even though he is an orioles fan. Brenda was one of my college room mates and one of the first friends I met in college. And of course I can't forget Amy and Jim and Olivia in Kansas. Amy, Brenda and I were college roommates and they are responsible for some of my fondest memories. I doubt the punkin would have gotten that many people out of a dad's side of the family! I feel grateful for the people in my life and the laughter, fun and friendship that we have shared. And I'm so glad that that they'll be the aunts, uncles and cousins that make up the second side of the family. Now if you'd all move closer I'd be a really happy girl.

If I didn't mention you it isn't because you're not important, it's just that I have to save some of you for other posts.

I guess the point of this post is to remind me that there are things in life that work themselves out and family is one of them. Some people have family, some people have a family of friends. I'm lucky enough to have both.

Revising My Expectations

So, last December I officially entered into this adoption journey. I chose my agency, sent in my initial application fee and somehow convinced myself that December of this year, I would actually have my punkin home. I thought that by this time I would be about to travel and would be finishing up a bedroom and starting the punkins Christmas shopping so I didn't have to worry about it when we got home and were trying to settle in. I basically set up this perfect little time line in my head and it all worked perfectly, right? WRONG! The problem with my timeline is that I grossly underestimated how long it would take to get the paperwork done. I had no idea that home studies take several weeks, collecting documents can be agonizing and that fingerprints clearing homeland security take time. In my head, this whole process was going to take under a year from start to finish. I was optimistic. That's not my nature usually but hey, I guess there's a first time for everything.

So now I regroup. As of today I have been on the official wait list for 4 months and about 2 weeks. As of the latest update from my agency the family that's next of the waiting list for a child older than 18 months has a wait date of early February. That means that they have been waiting 9 months. If that wait holds true(again, being optimistic here) it will be at least February before I find out who the Punkin is. In the big picture of life, 9 months is not a big deal. In fact that's about a normal pregnancy(minus the 6 month paperwork period). I just have to remember that it will happen when it happens. I read on another blog where someone wrote, "I would have liked the wait to have been 6 months shorter, but if it had been, I would have ended up with a different child, and we couldn't imagine not having the boy we got". So, I need to learn patience.

So for now, I wait. And I dream, and I anticipate but my pity party for one is over now. What's worth having is worth waiting for so I'm just siting here, waiting for my punkin to come

Blessings

This is a picture of an amazing gift I was recently given. Now, I don't want this blog to become a listing of the gifts that people have given me. Since most of you reading this know me so well, you know that the real gifts in my life are the people who have stuck with me and have supported me not just through this journey but through out the years. One of those people is my friend Karen, who happened to give me this incredible gift. I met Karen when I was in the seventh grade(also the same year I met my friend Ellen, whom I will no doubt write about countless times in this blog as well). We were both candy stripers at the local rehab hospital and then we ended up in a couple of classes at the Joyce Junior High School. Except for about a seven month period in high school where we stopped speaking, we've been friends ever since. We've been a part of every important event in the others life. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding and I am the godmother of her daughter Erin. She helped me through the loss of my mother and has been a great support to me during this journey to my punkin. When she gave me the Madonna and Child ornament it hit me that now we're going to be mothers together. For a while I wondered whether or not I would ever get to experience motherhood and not only do I get to share that with Karen, but I also get to share it with all of the other important women in my life. How blessed am I?

In unrelated news, I still haven't decided on a girl's name but so far the votes of those who read this blog are for Grace and Hannah. I'll keep you posted on what I decide.

Making Progress and Girls Names

So last weekend I finally cleaned out the closet in the Punkins room. Lucky for you that I didn't take a before picture. But trust me, it was stuffed full of junk that as it turns out, I really didn't need. So now I know exactly what's in there and why. And because I'm getting really fancy with this blog now, here are the after pictures.




I suppose you're wondering why I have baby clothes when I don't know who is coming yet. Well, there are two reasons. 1. A couple of months ago I just couldn't stand it anymore and I had to buy SOMETHING so I went to the outlets in Kittery and bought some things in several different sizes. I got ridiculously good deals on it. 2. Anything I bought that I can't use will be donated to the orphanage. I will be taking two large bins of clothing/supplies to donate and nothing will go to waste.

You'll also notice that the Punkin has 4 stuffed animals. The lobster was a gift from Aunt Brenda and Uncle Bill from their honeymoon to Maine. (Brenda was one of my college roommates and a life long friend). The giraffe was the first thing I bought for the punkin back in February. The Tigger is from Meghan and Jacob because they were in Target one day and just needed to buy a present for the baby. The elephant is from Disney World. I went there in July for a conference and since I didn't know what size to buy I bought a stuffed animal. Those always fit.




The books....well, you just can't have enough books. I actually have quite a few children's books I've collected over the years but I wanted the punkin to have some of their own books that haven't already been loved and chewed to death. I especially love Ezra Jack Keats. I think the book collection will be expanding very quickly because books always fit too.

The Picture frame and door hanging were the first baby gifts I got. They're from Auntie Kate and Uncle Dennis. I look at that frame every time I need a reality check. The wait has been hard but it will be so worth it when I have a picture of that beautiful little face to go in it.



And my apologies to Auntie Amy, as I forgot to take a picture of the sea world shirt. But trust me, it's cute!

So I've narrowed the girls names to five possibilities. Maggie is still a contender but not a slam dunk. I also love Grace, Emma, Hannah(forgive me AuntNancy but I do love the name)and Rebecca. Leave me a comment and let me know which one you love. Middle name will be Elizabeth.

As of Friday I have 3 months down and who knows how many more to go.

Putting It All Into Perspective

Last night I went to a Waiting Family Support group through my adoption agency. A "Waiting Family" is what they call those of us who are on the wait list and waiting for a referral. There were families there from a lot of the different programs and there were three couples who had just gotten their referrals from China. They waited 30-31 months for a referral. That's over two and a half years. Makes you feel a little silly for being anxious over waiting 2 and a half months so far. All three of the families got the pictures of their daughters just before our meeting and it was thrilling to hear them talk about getting "the call" and what it was like and how they felt. And to see them melt over these baby girls that they been longing for was a little bit magical. I'm so excited for when it's my turn and I get to see my punkin for the first time. There is another family in the group adopting from China who has been waiting 27 months and they expect to wait at least another 14 months. 10 months or so doesn't seem so bad right about now. And even though it's an estimate and it could go longer, at least it's not 4 years.

I was really excited that at the waiting parents group there were two other single woman also adopting from Ethiopia. It was nice to have someone to commiserate with and to talk program details with. I'm hoping I can make some good connections and maybe some new friends out of it.

Well, I'm off to watch Michael Phelps try to win another medal. I know he's swimming all the races, but man, he's killing me. All these late nights staying up to watch him race are beginning to catch up with me but I can't help it. I am an Olympic junkie. Hopefully he got the memo that since I'm staying up to watch him, he needs to win!

From the Mouths of Babes

My nephew Nate has been visiting for the past week. Anyone who has known me for more than a minute knows that Nate was my "first punkin baby". He is my first nephew and my first godson. (Disclaimer: I love all the little one's in my life exactly the same but he was the first so he's getting a little extra love here today). Nate is 12 and when he was born and I held him for the first time and his tiny little body snuggled into the crook of my neck, I knew that I was destined to be a mommy. As I look at him now it's hard to believe that this 5 foot 5 inch giant boy was that same tiny baby. But he's just as delightful today as he was then.

The other night Nate and I were watching the Red Sox game and we were talking about me becoming a mom. I asked him if it would be weird for him to see me as a mom. He said, "not weird, but I've had you to myself for 12 years so it will take a little getting used to. But you're just like my mom, so I know you'll be a really great mommy." I love that boy. Not just because he thinks I'll be a good mommy, which of course I appreciate, but because he's allowed me to practice on him all these years without even knowing it. If my punkin turns out half as good as him, I will consider my parenting to have been very successful. Whoever the "Nate" is in your life, be sure to give them an extra hug today. You're life is so much richer because of them.

Questions from My People

Since I'm new to this blogging thing I'm not always sure what to write about. So today I thought I would answer some of the questions I'm most commonly asked by friends and family about the process.

Why did you decide to adopt? I knew I wanted to be a mom and while I would be happy to give birth, it just wasn't something I felt I had to do to become a mother. Adoption is near and dear to my heart as I have three cousins who were adopted from Korea as infants/toddlers. Adoption is natural for my family. I consider myself a mom who needs a child. Somewhere in Ethiopia is a child who needs me to be their mom.

How did you decide on Ethiopia? In some ways, I feel like Ethiopia chose me. There are certainly practical reasons for why Ethiopia. The first being that as a single female, there are certain countries that would not allow me to adopt. Ethiopia is a program that is open to single females so clearly, that was a plus. I will be traveling to bring my Punkin home and some countries require multiple trips sometimes for several weeks at a time. Ethiopia requires a one week stay in country. Since I'm the sole provider for this little family I'm creating, that plays a major factor. I can still make the trip and have my maternity leave as well. Multiple trips just wouldn't work for me. I was also incredibly impressed with the care that the children receive at the orphanage. They are cared for by nannies and seem to have a lot of love and attention and I think that's key in terms of being able to attach when they come home. If you've loved and been loved before, you'll be able to do that again in most cases. The final and most unscientific, but very best reason for me is that I just feel like that's where my child is.

When will you bring your Punkin home? That my friends is the $64,000 question. I have requested a child of either gender from 0-24 months. Being that I am with a very reputable agency that has a long standing program in Ethiopia, I have a significant wait ahead of me. I estimate that I could wait at least 9-10 months and possibly longer. I also guess that my punkin will likely be in the 18-24 month range as the wait for that age group doesn't tend to be as long as it is for infants. Your wait is over when you get a call from your agency telling you that you have a referral. That means that you have been matched with a child and you'll get pictures and whatever health information is available. Once you accept the referral you wait to travel which can happen approximately 2-4 months from referral acceptance.

Are you traveling alone to Ethiopia? Thankfully, no. I had planned to travel by myself. I didn't ask anyone to come with me initially because I felt like I should be able to pay their travel expenses if I'm asking them to take a 20 hour plane ride to a developing country. Since I am more than able to cover mine and the Punkin Babies expenses, but not a companions, I thought I'd go solo. Lucky for me....my family doesn't work that way. They had a family meeting(which they didn't invite me to) and decided who was traveling with me. My travel peeps will be my younger sister Kate and my step-mom Judi. I feel beyond fortunate that they'll be with me to share this life changing experience. I expect they will become my eyes and ears since I'm predicting I'll be a sobbing heap once I meet my punkin for the first time.

Are you allowed to change their birth name? Yes. I am allowed to change the name should I choose to. I spent a lot of time deciding if I would or wouldn't do this. In the end, I have opted to give them a name of my choosing. They will keep their Ethiopian name as one of their middle names since that's a piece of them given by their birth family and I don't want to take that away. However, I also want them to carry with them something I gave them as well, so their first name I will change. The boys name is going to be Noah Richard. Noah because I have always adored that name. Richard for my daddy. I can't think of a better person for a little boy to learn from and if I can be a quarter of the parent my dad was, I will consider myself a great success. The jury is still out on the girl's name. I thought I was set on Maggie, which I still love, but my niece Meghan who lives upstairs from me is called Meggie. So if we have a Maggie and a Meggie, we could all be very confused. I have several other names I'm thinking of and I will report those in another post as this one is getting way too long. I do know for sure that the middle name will be Elizabeth. Elizabeth is a tribute to my mother. And yes, everyone, I know that her name was Dorothy, but we all know she HATED her name and if I named a child that she would surely come a haunting me. So, Elizabeth is for my mom's beloved maternal grandmother, Elizabeth Maguire. I like that my punkin will carry a little piece of both my parents with them.