I originally wrote this post on April 25th but couldn't decide if I would publish it or not. I decided today to publish it but it showed up with the original date.
Since the day I met Grace's family I have not stopped thinking about them or how we're all connected. I've also been thinking about how and when I will introduce them to Grace via my story of our meeting, videos and pictures. I often wonder how you start the conversation and how pictures might be the best introduction. I brought this subject up to our social worker at our second visit. While I know Grace is way too young to understand all of this, I know that at some point I will need to be prepared for the questions and as many of you know, I like to be prepared.
After a lot of thinking and soul searching, I decided that I would put pictures of Graces family in her room. I don't want them to be pictures in a photo album that we forget to look at. I want them to be a part of our lives and I figure by hanging them in her room, she'll always remember just knowing who they were. It won't have to be a big formal introduction. I found a frame that held 4 photos. The first photo is a picture of the area she is from, the other three photos are of her family members. I am intentionally being vague here because as I have said before, and believe with all my heart, the story is Grace's to tell and I am just the keeper of it. Who she shares the details with is up to her. I am sharing this part because even though it's Grace's family, it really is more about me and my own response to the pictures. So I put the picture up and I had a myriad of emotions. My first was that they had made such a sacrifice and I felt overwhelming sadness for their loss. I had a feeling as if I had somehow taken something from them but I know that isn't the case. They gave her to me. I know that, I believe that, I feel that. They did so because they knew it was what she needed. I also felt sadness that we're here and happy and together. It was hard to leave them knowing what their lives are like. I'm not saying they're not happy and that their life is not fulfilling, but it's a hard life they lead. I wish there was a way for me to lessen their burden. So I hung the picture and I didn't make a big deal of it to Grace. In fact she was playing on the floor of her room and wasn't even paying attention to what I was doing. But when I had finished and picked her up to change her diaper she noticed it immediately. She had a big smile on her face and she started waving to them. My first thought was oh my god, she knows who they are, what must she be thinking of me for taking her away from them? Now, I don't think she really recognized them. In reality, she spent a very, very small amount of time with them. I think the real reaction was hey, those people are my same color. This is the second time she has had that reaction. The first was when my parents gave her a beautiful African American doll for her birthday. Her reaction to that doll was to give it kisses. It was the only gift she had an immediate reaction to. It's now clear to me that she recognizes that there are different colors to different people. And frankly, it's only natural and soon enough she will have questions for me about why we have different skin colors. And I need to start preparing now for how I will answer those questions and all the other ones that are bound to come up. I guess I was surprised that at one she already notices differences. I just want her to be as comfortable with the differences as she can be. And I hope she will feel that despite the differences, what we have in common is greater than how we're different, and how we're different is important too and definitely worth celebrating. This is the part of parenting that I find difficult. It's not the feeding or the chasing after or the diapers. It's how to start now with instilling her with the tools she needs to develop inner strength, self confidence and being comfortable with who she is, what she looks like and where and whom she comes from. It's a big job but I'm up for the challenge.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
Do You Know Where Your Joy Is?
For me, it was sitting last night in my living room. Gracie had developed a fever from her vaccination shots, and as I was holding her she snuggled into my neck and patted my face. Before she started to drift off she wrapped her hand around my finger. Such a little gesture that for me spoke volumes. I remember being little and not feeling well and the things that always made me feel better were snuggling with my mom or Dad and having them talk to me softly and tell me it would all get better. I found such comfort and trust and safety in those moments. Last night I was the giver of the moments and it made me feel joyful. Not because my Gracie was feeling under the weather, but because in just over 4 months I have become to her what my parents were to me. The comforter, the one who tries to make everything better, the go to person. The mommy. I am grateful every day for our bond that formed pretty quickly and grows stronger with every day. Before I was a parent, I didn't understand that even when your children are sick or unhappy, there are still valuable lessons that come out of that. Now that I'm in the "club" I cherish all the moments, but lets face it, to date my experience has been really positive so let me remember this when it gets rougher! Imagine how different my life would have been if I ignored my longing for a child. If I had decided it was too hard, or not possible or that I wasn't strong enough to be a single parent I could have spent last night in my living room by myself wondering where my life was going. Now I know exactly where my life is going. It's completely connected to my child who while born to another woman is so completely connected to my soul. That to me is what joy is. If you haven't looked for your joy today, I highly recommend that you do. It could be sitting in your living room.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Long Time, No Post
It feels like it's been forever since I posted last. We've been pretty busy lately and things are going well. First, Gracie turned one on April 5Th. I had a little cake for her that night and then the following weekend was her party. Believe it or not, I don't have pictures of her party yet. I forgot to take pictures because I was so busy. But have no fear, Uncle Rob and Auntie Andrea took lots of pictures and will be forwarding them to me soon. I'll post them and a party review as sson as possible but until then, here are some pictures of her actual birthday.
Today is My Birthday!
Why do you make me wear this crazy hat?
Look Mom, no hands!
Present from Mommy
In other news, Grace is doing really well. We went to see a GI doctor last week and he thinks that she isn't getting enough calories. He switched her formula to pediasure which should really increase her calorie count. We're going on May 3rd to see the nutritionist that works with him. I will need to journal 3 days of her eating and then they will figure out the calories and we can go from there. She weighed in at 13 lbs and 13 oz.
Today we had her one year appointment with her regular pediatrician. The appointment went very well and she weighed in at.........14 lbs 5oz. Yup, She gained half a pound in a week. That's more than she gained in the previous two months. I was thrilled with that. It seems that between the new formula and all the table food she is eating, she's making really good progress. She likes any kind of meat, mashed potato's and peas, beans, cheese, canoli cream and pistachio ice cream. She also had four shots today and a finger prick. That was not fun and she howled like crazy. I felt so bad for her. And she was mad at me afterwards. She let me console her but when I left her with my brother-in-law after the appointment she wouldn't let me give her a kiss. It was her way of saying I'm mad at you because you let those people use me as a pin cushion! She did at least wave bye-bye before I left.
She isn't pulling herself up yet but she's really close. She is a stealth crawler and I have to constantly follow her around. If I lose sight for a minute I know she's either headed for the bathroom or the computer in my room. She is also developing quite a temper. The other day she pulled the lamp cord out of the wall and then when tried to chew on the cord. When I pulled it away from her and moved her across the room she threw a fit. I mean the kind where she threw her head back and her whole body went stiff and she just screamed. I put her on the floor and she screamed and kicked the floor and then when she realized I wasn't paying attention to the fit(or at least I made her think that) she quickly stopped. She also pulled a similar fit in church which got her a one way trip to the back of the church. You gotta love this age. But other than the occasional tantrum she continues to amaze me. I love seeing her sense of humor come out and I adore the crazy looks she gives me when I dress her up in silly thing and then take a picture. She's also really starting to become more comfortable with people.
So that's all the news from her. Hope things are as well with you as they are with us!
Today is My Birthday!
Why do you make me wear this crazy hat?
Look Mom, no hands!
Present from Mommy
In other news, Grace is doing really well. We went to see a GI doctor last week and he thinks that she isn't getting enough calories. He switched her formula to pediasure which should really increase her calorie count. We're going on May 3rd to see the nutritionist that works with him. I will need to journal 3 days of her eating and then they will figure out the calories and we can go from there. She weighed in at 13 lbs and 13 oz.
Today we had her one year appointment with her regular pediatrician. The appointment went very well and she weighed in at.........14 lbs 5oz. Yup, She gained half a pound in a week. That's more than she gained in the previous two months. I was thrilled with that. It seems that between the new formula and all the table food she is eating, she's making really good progress. She likes any kind of meat, mashed potato's and peas, beans, cheese, canoli cream and pistachio ice cream. She also had four shots today and a finger prick. That was not fun and she howled like crazy. I felt so bad for her. And she was mad at me afterwards. She let me console her but when I left her with my brother-in-law after the appointment she wouldn't let me give her a kiss. It was her way of saying I'm mad at you because you let those people use me as a pin cushion! She did at least wave bye-bye before I left.
She isn't pulling herself up yet but she's really close. She is a stealth crawler and I have to constantly follow her around. If I lose sight for a minute I know she's either headed for the bathroom or the computer in my room. She is also developing quite a temper. The other day she pulled the lamp cord out of the wall and then when tried to chew on the cord. When I pulled it away from her and moved her across the room she threw a fit. I mean the kind where she threw her head back and her whole body went stiff and she just screamed. I put her on the floor and she screamed and kicked the floor and then when she realized I wasn't paying attention to the fit(or at least I made her think that) she quickly stopped. She also pulled a similar fit in church which got her a one way trip to the back of the church. You gotta love this age. But other than the occasional tantrum she continues to amaze me. I love seeing her sense of humor come out and I adore the crazy looks she gives me when I dress her up in silly thing and then take a picture. She's also really starting to become more comfortable with people.
So that's all the news from her. Hope things are as well with you as they are with us!
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Today Is Her Birthday!
OK, technically it's tomorrow but I doubt I will have time to write a post tomorrow so I am doing it tonight. I can't believe it but tomorrow my baby girl will turn one. In some ways it feels like it was just yesterday that I was boarding a plane to pick her up and in other ways, I can't remember what it was like before I had her. Every day she does something new and exciting and you can just see her brain churning. She continues to be a delightful, smart and happy baby and the very best thing that has ever happened to me. Motherhood has given a richness and a calmness to my life that I can't quite explain but I relish none the less.
Unfortunately, tomorrow is a busy day at work for me so I can't take the day off to spend with her but we will celebrate when I get home home with Birthday cupcakes and Spaghetti and meatballs. Yes, you read that correctly. I gave her a meatball on Thursday night and she loved it. She has been eating table food all weekend which included hot dog, turkey, mashed potato's, turkey sausage and eggs. I guess that she has just been waiting for the table food. She's eaten more than I could have hoped for this soon in the game. Turns out that she also really likes birthday cake. We went to the American Girl Doll Store on Saturday to celebrate my niece Meghan's birthday and I gave her a taste of the cake and she could not get enough of it.
Saturday we will have her birthday party and I'm really excited though I don't feel quite prepared but I'm sure I will figure it out. Until then, I'm just going to enjoy spending the day with my one year old!
Saturday, April 3, 2010
A Picture Post
Today I had Gracie's one year/Easter pictures taken. Her mom made a rookie mistake and scheduled the pictures around nap time so she wasn't so happy about that but we did get some great shots! And thanks to Auntie Amy for the great birthday outfit!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Feeling Better
So first, I would like to thank everyone for their love and words of encouragement. They were very appreciated and really healped to give me perspective on things. It really made me feel so much better.
Today was a busy day for us. I took the day off because we had two appointments. The first was with Dr. Miller at the International Adoption Clinic and the second was our second post placement appointment at WHFC.
The appointment with Dr. Miller went really well. She only gained a couple more ounces since the weight check and Dr. Miller agrees that we need to see the GI doctor and a nutritional specialist. So we're doing that in the middle of April. She was really great in reassuring me that I'm doing all that I can and other than the weight, she is really excelling. She is 27 inches which is great and her head circumfrence is good too so that means her brain is growing. When we went to see Dr. Miller for the first time in December, Grace was measured as between a 5-8 month old in most categories. Today she measured at or beyond the 12 month level in every area except gross motor where she measured at 10 months. It's honestly amazing to see how much she has progressed in just 4 months. She went from being a rag doll to a crawling machine. She rolls, she crawls, she sits up, she claps, waves and plays peak-a-boo all on her own. She says three words, momma, bye,bye and uh-oh. She can follow simple instructions and she babbles like crazy. Her personality is really coming out and she is such an engaging child. I am so proud of her and I love her more than words can express.
Our second meeting was a post-adoption follow-up with our social worker Deb at WHFC. We went into the office in Waltham and not only did we see our social worker but we also got to see some of the Africa team that helped bring Grace to me. One of the social workers had met Grace when she was in Ethiopia for a training. That was during the time that Grace was on a feeding tube. She couldn't get over the difference between the fragile little baby she saw then and the perky little almost toddler that she saw today. It really helped me to remember that her progress is remarkable.
So on Monday I will officially be the mother of a one year old. My Gracie Lito will be one on Monday. I can't believe it. We're having her birthday party a week from Saturday and I am very excited. It won't be a huge bash but my beloved friends Andrea and Rob are coming in from Ohio for the weekend to meet Grace and I just can't wait.
On Saturday we're going to have Grace's one year/Easter pictures. I can't wait to see how they turn out.
Today was a busy day for us. I took the day off because we had two appointments. The first was with Dr. Miller at the International Adoption Clinic and the second was our second post placement appointment at WHFC.
The appointment with Dr. Miller went really well. She only gained a couple more ounces since the weight check and Dr. Miller agrees that we need to see the GI doctor and a nutritional specialist. So we're doing that in the middle of April. She was really great in reassuring me that I'm doing all that I can and other than the weight, she is really excelling. She is 27 inches which is great and her head circumfrence is good too so that means her brain is growing. When we went to see Dr. Miller for the first time in December, Grace was measured as between a 5-8 month old in most categories. Today she measured at or beyond the 12 month level in every area except gross motor where she measured at 10 months. It's honestly amazing to see how much she has progressed in just 4 months. She went from being a rag doll to a crawling machine. She rolls, she crawls, she sits up, she claps, waves and plays peak-a-boo all on her own. She says three words, momma, bye,bye and uh-oh. She can follow simple instructions and she babbles like crazy. Her personality is really coming out and she is such an engaging child. I am so proud of her and I love her more than words can express.
Our second meeting was a post-adoption follow-up with our social worker Deb at WHFC. We went into the office in Waltham and not only did we see our social worker but we also got to see some of the Africa team that helped bring Grace to me. One of the social workers had met Grace when she was in Ethiopia for a training. That was during the time that Grace was on a feeding tube. She couldn't get over the difference between the fragile little baby she saw then and the perky little almost toddler that she saw today. It really helped me to remember that her progress is remarkable.
So on Monday I will officially be the mother of a one year old. My Gracie Lito will be one on Monday. I can't believe it. We're having her birthday party a week from Saturday and I am very excited. It won't be a huge bash but my beloved friends Andrea and Rob are coming in from Ohio for the weekend to meet Grace and I just can't wait.
On Saturday we're going to have Grace's one year/Easter pictures. I can't wait to see how they turn out.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Pity Party- Table for One
Today is the first day where I truly felt the single, working mother guilt. I have had twinges here and there but today I felt it from the soles of my feet to the top of my head. In many ways, it's probably a ridiculous over reaction on my part but I am a strong believer than if you need to cry or sulk or fume over something you get 24 hours and then you figure out how to move on. So since I'm still within my 24 hours here I go.
Today I took Grace for a weight check at her pediatricians. As I have mentioned eight bajillion times before, Grace is on the small side and I am a crazy woman about it. She has been eating better of late so I stupidly put a number in my head that I expected her to be. The number I set was 14 pounds. She was 13 pounds 3 oz about 7 weeks ago so I thought 14 pounds was a reasonable guess. In actuality, I was hoping for more but would have settled for 14. Today she weighed in at a whopping 13 pounds 10 oz. Now, I know any gain is positive, but I would be a liar if I said I wasn't worried that she had only a seven oz weight gain in almost two months. So here's where the guilt comes into play. As soon as I heard the weight I thought, this is your fault because you work. If you stayed home with her you could feed her every hour and a half. You could make sure she drank every ounce of every bottle and every drop of baby food. But because you decided to be a single mother, now your baby is suffering. Now, let me say two things here. 1. Grace could not be in better care and my sister Kate could not be more in tune with her needs or more dedicated to making sure she eats, even if she were her mother. She is super on top of the eating and she sits with Grace until she's eaten but lets face it, some days she just won't eat enough no matter how you try. So in no way am I attributing her lack of weight gain to my sister. If it wasn't for her dilligence, we would have had a smaller gain (can you imagine what a whack-a-doodle I would be if that happened? Not a pretty image I imagine). 2. I realize my line of thinking is CRAZY. I know that I am doing everything possible to make sure she's as healthy and loved and well cared for as possible. And the rational side of my head knows that if I tried to feed her every hour that child and I would be ready for the looney bin. I know I add a lot of stress to the eating situation and I have been really good about backing off. If I were home with her all day I could likely cause a big set back. But the bottom line is that you feel like she's missing something because I only have limited time with her. I give her everything I have when I'm home and I know that it's a lot. I also know that I have unrealistic expectations of what enough is and I need to let go of it. Overall, she's a healthy girl who is developing well, is pretty well adjusted and happy. I need to focus on that. And I will........in 11 more hours when the pity party is over. While the nurse Practioner was not alarmed at the weight gain she did say that if she doesn't have a good increase by her one year appointment at the end of April, we'll need to go see a feeding specialist. The important thing here is that we get her issues worked out.
On a more positive note she crawled forward last night!! She only did four crawls and then I got so excited that I called my sister and the kids down and sure enough, she refused to perform. My daughter is super stubborn and she likes to play with her mama. I kept saying Gracie, crawl for Auntie Kate, please crawl for Auntie Kate! And at one point she looked at me, said Mama and then shook her head no wildly and then gave me a wicked grin. Like she was saying I know you want me to crawl but uh-uh. She kept teasing us though. She would move one knee forward and then move it back. Then she would giggle. She's something.
I'll report back soon with a new attitude. Well, not so new that you wouldn't recognize me.
Today I took Grace for a weight check at her pediatricians. As I have mentioned eight bajillion times before, Grace is on the small side and I am a crazy woman about it. She has been eating better of late so I stupidly put a number in my head that I expected her to be. The number I set was 14 pounds. She was 13 pounds 3 oz about 7 weeks ago so I thought 14 pounds was a reasonable guess. In actuality, I was hoping for more but would have settled for 14. Today she weighed in at a whopping 13 pounds 10 oz. Now, I know any gain is positive, but I would be a liar if I said I wasn't worried that she had only a seven oz weight gain in almost two months. So here's where the guilt comes into play. As soon as I heard the weight I thought, this is your fault because you work. If you stayed home with her you could feed her every hour and a half. You could make sure she drank every ounce of every bottle and every drop of baby food. But because you decided to be a single mother, now your baby is suffering. Now, let me say two things here. 1. Grace could not be in better care and my sister Kate could not be more in tune with her needs or more dedicated to making sure she eats, even if she were her mother. She is super on top of the eating and she sits with Grace until she's eaten but lets face it, some days she just won't eat enough no matter how you try. So in no way am I attributing her lack of weight gain to my sister. If it wasn't for her dilligence, we would have had a smaller gain (can you imagine what a whack-a-doodle I would be if that happened? Not a pretty image I imagine). 2. I realize my line of thinking is CRAZY. I know that I am doing everything possible to make sure she's as healthy and loved and well cared for as possible. And the rational side of my head knows that if I tried to feed her every hour that child and I would be ready for the looney bin. I know I add a lot of stress to the eating situation and I have been really good about backing off. If I were home with her all day I could likely cause a big set back. But the bottom line is that you feel like she's missing something because I only have limited time with her. I give her everything I have when I'm home and I know that it's a lot. I also know that I have unrealistic expectations of what enough is and I need to let go of it. Overall, she's a healthy girl who is developing well, is pretty well adjusted and happy. I need to focus on that. And I will........in 11 more hours when the pity party is over. While the nurse Practioner was not alarmed at the weight gain she did say that if she doesn't have a good increase by her one year appointment at the end of April, we'll need to go see a feeding specialist. The important thing here is that we get her issues worked out.
On a more positive note she crawled forward last night!! She only did four crawls and then I got so excited that I called my sister and the kids down and sure enough, she refused to perform. My daughter is super stubborn and she likes to play with her mama. I kept saying Gracie, crawl for Auntie Kate, please crawl for Auntie Kate! And at one point she looked at me, said Mama and then shook her head no wildly and then gave me a wicked grin. Like she was saying I know you want me to crawl but uh-uh. She kept teasing us though. She would move one knee forward and then move it back. Then she would giggle. She's something.
I'll report back soon with a new attitude. Well, not so new that you wouldn't recognize me.
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