It's hard to believe that I have passed the one year mark as a mother. It's hard to believe all the things that have happened in just a short time. I do know that even with the struggles, and yeah, we have struggles, it's so much better having Grace in my life.
So 2010 began with a bang. We had been home from Ethiopia less than a month, had Christmas, she met all of her extended family, we had a jillion doctor appointments and I went back to work in February. At the time I thought I handled it OK but looking back now I can see I was more frazzled than I admitted to myself. Being a new mother is scary. They don't come with a manual and you can buy lots of books like what to expect when you're expecting and what to expect in the first year, but really, they don't help so much when you're starting off with an 8 month old. I imagine it's similar to being at boot camp. You're totally turning your life over to someone else, you don't really know them too well and it's a long term commitment. I was petrified that I wouldn't be able to learn her fast enough and that 2 1/2 months of maternity leave would never be enough for her to know the difference between who was her mommy and who was her care taker. But it was. She knew the difference way before I went back to work and she hasn't really had too much confusion. She knows that Auntie Kate is the go to person during the day but the second mommy walks in the door, it's me that she turns to for comfort, for dinner, for hugs and discipline, thoughtshe doesn't quite care for that part. She went from being a baby who could barely hold her head up to to a walking, talking, running machine. She talks in 3-4 word sentences and every day she has something new to say. She loves to talk on the phone but she still doesn't recognize that we don't have video phones so the person on the other line can't see her shake her head yes. She points to pictures and identifies family members by name, even ones she doesn't see regularly. I'm very proud of that because I want her to be close to family even if they live across the country. She will often hand me the phone and say I talk. When I ask to whom she wants to speak to it's usually my sister Amy in California or my parents but the other day she wanted to talk to Diego from Go Diego Go! Her imagination is really amazing to me. The other day she picked up a gift bag and told me it was her back pack and asked me to put it on her. She has played with that bag every day since. Today she woke up and asked for it. When she had it on yesterday she walked over to the door and said Mumma, I bye-bye, waived at me. Then she turned around and went on some sort of adventure that led her back to the other side of the living room. Took her about 20 minutes( our living room's not that big), because she had to stop and talk to the food in her toy shopping cart, had to find the perfect book to read on the journey, and needed to admire the Christmas tree for the 932nd time. While she stands at the tree she says, Oooohhhhhh, nice tree! No touch, No touch! She has gotten a lot better at picking up and following basic directions and she is fantastic at independent play. She has a fisher price nativity set that she plays with constantly and it's fascinating to watch her act out the little scenes though I have no idea what they are. She is also becoming far more opinionated. Sometimes I pull out an outfit and she looks at me like I've pulled out something crazy and says no, no, no, no NO! It sure was simpler to dress her a couple of months ago but it's fun to get a sense of what she likes. Though I did learn quickly that it could take her all morning if I really let her choose. Now I pull out two outfits and she can pick. She is also obsessed with these pink timberland boots that she inherited from her cousin Meghan. The second I start dressing her she says, Mumma, my booooootttttttsssss. My Boooooooottttttsssss. While she still isn't a great eater, she does eat and she has started to ask for foods by name instead of just saying she wants to eat. Some of her current favorites are apple-deedee (apple sauce) banya banya (banana's) aireeos (oreos) teeditz (cheezits) and my personal favorite, pup porn (popcorn). I love when she asks for a snack and I say, Gracie, what would you like and she says Hmmmmmmmm, My no no Mumma. It's adorable. Today I didn't act fast enough when asked for a banya banya so I was treated to the banya banya dance, which was Gracie dancing around in a circle calling out banya banya at different decibels. This morning I let her stay in her crib 10 extra minutes so I could hear her singing along to her Glow-Ya (Glow-Worm). It was precious. Such a good way to start the day off. She will be re-evaluated at the end of this month by early intervention but they don't expect her to qualify any longer for services. So much progress in one year and I am so proud of her. So proud of us. We've figured out how to be our own little family and we have bumps along the way but we manage, and we move forward and we love each other harder the next day. It exhausting being a parent. I've never had a job I loved so much that made me feel so stupid, smart, intuitive, clueless, grateful, overwhelmed, panicked and at ease all at the same time, often all in the same day!
So for the year ahead I see two major challenges with Grace. First, we still have the issue of her weight. She is almost 21 months and she is not 19 pounds yet. I think the issue at hand it not really what her weight is but how I react to it. I try not to let it bother me when people tell me how small she is. Honestly, it's a valid observation but it bristles me because I don't receive it as an observation. I receive it as a criticism though it's not meant that way and I KNOW IT! In the next year I need to remind myself of a couple of factors. 1. She is not gaining at the rate I expected her to but she is gaining. 2. She is absolutely developmentally appropriate for her age. She is thriving, she is smart, she is doing well and I need to be proud of all that she is and worry less about what she isn't. 3. It's OK for me to disagree with her GI doctor and her nutritionist. First let me say that I do respect their opinions, and I am very grateful I have them to help guide me and to help get her caught up. But truth be told, I stress out every time we have an appointment. Like big time stress out. I can't sleep the night or two before the appointment, I'm anxious, I'm defensive. It makes me crazy and if I can't control my feelings it could start to effect Grace and I don't want her to have food issues or an unhealthy body image. I appreciate their attentiveness but there is a part of me that just wants to say, OK, she isn't gaining as quickly as we would like, but she is gaining, she is growing in height and head circumference, she is developmentally appropriate, she is making all the milestones, I am doing everything I can to get more calories in and there seem to be no medical issues that are impeding her ability to gain so maybe, she's just going to be petite and really, is that the end of the world? And you know what? I think this year I need to get the courage to say that and with conviction. I am in no way trying to minimize the effect of malnourishment and how important it is to get her caught up as quickly as we can but at the same time, she's a finicky toddler and sometimes she loves stuff and sometimes she doesn't. She went through months of refusing apple sauce after having loved it previously and now it's back at the top of her hit parade. Sometimes she likes something in the morning but by late in the afternoon, not so much. I just need to take my feelings out of the equation. If you have any suggestions, I'd certainly like to hear them.
The other issue we have to work on this year is the high pitched shriek that she lets out about every 20 seconds. It's deafening and it's not an indication of being on fire, or run over by her cousin Jake in a race for a toy. It's. just. because. she. can. It's wearing me out. It could be in response to her asking for something that she can't have. For example, if she asks me nicely for help but that help is so that she can climb on the chair to have a better angle to take the ornaments off the Christmas tree and toss them, the answer will always be a polite no so that now requires the scream. Or perhaps it's that I pick up the brown crayon and she wanted me to take the orange one. Or maybe we're walking in target and she is singing a song while we're walking down an aisle and she just decides this would be a fun time to scream. There really is no rhyme or reason but it's exhausting and embarrassing all the same. I hear the people who whisper "why doesn't she quiet that kid down". You know, what? I used to be one of those people. I may not have said it out loud but I certainly thought it. But you know what, I really had no idea that the will of an almost 2 year old is harder to tame than a wild wildebeest. The one thing I can say is that I am consistent. I have walked out of restaurants (three last week alone), I have done and continue to do the time outs. I am nothing if not consistent. It hasn't been working so well but I am going to keep at it. As of yesterday we started a zero screaming tolerance policy in our house. She gets no warning and she goes directly into a one minute time out in her room on her little princess chair. She doesn't like it but she does her time. A couple of times I've said, are you ready to stop screaming and she will say no, and start all over again and then I leave her there for another minute. She is feisty and she has a bit of temper but she needs the down time even if it's just for a minute. Yesterday she screamed in Target and I found a small spot for her to sit on out of the way near a crib display. The look on her face was pretty comical. It said, really, lady, even here at Target you give me a time out? If we didn't really, really, really need the diaper genie liners I would have just left the store with her but I need to teach her that choices have consequences and that screaming like a banshee is a choice. I know this is typical of children her age and I am not the first parent to encounter it but it's a real challenge. I am so over this phase but sadly, she is not. But again, I need to have more patience when dealing with it and continue to guide her with age appropriate consequences. But man, it wears me out. It would be really nice to have a husband to tag team this with but alas. I go it alone.
So my wishes for the new year are more patience, more confidence to stand up for myself and my daughter, more laughter, more kisses, more pat-pats on the shoulder and snuggles and songs and love. To learn that it's OK to take a break from being a mommy even when I'm not with her from 9-5. To learn to accept more of the help that has been offered. It's intensely consuming being a single parent. No one but me expects that I can or should handle it all. A couple of hours a month to myself (thanks to the grandparents) will allow me to retain my sanity, have a couple of hot lattes, and maybe even see an occasional movie. It will be good for me, and good for Gracie. I'll let you know how it works out.
I hope your last year was happy and your year ahead is filled with love and laughter.
