You're Guess is as Good as Mine

So, I made it past the one year mark and your reward for that is that you get to be re-fingerprinted. I did that on Wednesday of last week and it was pretty painless. My appointment was at 8:00a.m. and I walked out at 8:25a.m. which is pretty amazing considering the number of people who were ahead of me. Once that gets processed I'll be notified and then a copy of the updated prints will be cabled to Addis Ababa.

So, I was at a family birthday party this weekend and as you can imagine, the topic of discussion centered on when I will hear something. It could literally be any day. As you can imagine, I'm a complete and utter basket case. My poor sister Kate won't even call me during the day anymore as she knows I get all frazzled whenever the phone rings. I really hope it's soon. I am ready to nest and I can't really do that until I know who the punkin is. I just wish I knew when so I think I'll open it up to guesses. When do you think I will hear, will it be a boy or a girl and how old will they be? Keep in mind that my age range is from 0-24 months. Since no one ever posts a comment here you can e-mail me with your guess. And I may even offer a prize for the person who guesses correctly. How is my sanity on a plate for a prize? Sounds delightful to me but seriously, I'll come up with something good.

In an unrelated note, I only misspelled one word in this whole post. OK, well only one word that spell checker caught, but that's a miracle for me. Perhaps things are looking up for me. Spelling is my kryptonite.

Today Makes a Year

Today is the one year anniversary of my being on the official wait list. Woo flipping hoo. Can you feel the sincerity oozing out of me? As much as I was hoping to hear something in May, that's probably not going to happen. So perhaps June will be my month. June is a good month for a referral. You have Father's Day, My Birthday. Maybe June will be it for me. I guess we'll have to wait and see. And really, we all know how good I am at waiting!

Instead of complaining again I am going to make a list of things that make me happy.

1. My Punkin will come. It clearly won't be on my time line but he/she will come.
2. I got tickets to see Jason Mraz in August. So stinking excited for that. He's
my #2 musician obsession. I don't think anyone will surpass Bryan Adams as my
number 1.
3. My friend Brenda is due to give birth to her baby boy any time now. Can't wait
to meet him.
4. Fiber one oats and peanut butter bars. They're yummy.
5. My Ipod. I seriously don't know how I would get through the day without good
music to listen to.
6. My house is clean. Like top to bottom spring cleaned, curtains washed,
cupboards scrubbed cleaned.
7. I just joined Netflix which means that I will likely see more than 4 movies this
year.
8. The Twilight Series. Now granted, she's no Shakespeare or Steinbeck or Rowling
but good gravy she can create a vampire boy that this almost 38 year old is a
crushin on. If only she could make me a human, older version of him and send
him to my door. Oops, there I go with my unrealistic expectations
9. My niece Sarah is coming at the end of June for about 10 days. Can't wait!
10. That I have a new favorite show to look forward to for the fall. If you have
not seen the preview episode of "Glee" run, yes, I mean run like the wind to your
computer and find it on fox or YouTube. I seriously CAN NOT WAIT for this show.

Two posts in one week. Are you stunned, elated, flabbergasted? Don't get used to it. It's not likely to happen again.

Wishing Time Away

I'm over this waiting thing. Do you hear me adoption powers that be? I. AM. OVER. IT. I am tired of being a nercvous wreck from 9-5, Monday through Friday. I'm tired of jumping out of my skin every time the phone rings. I'm tired of waking up feeling optimistic and going to sleep feeling dissapointed. I am tired of not knowing when I will see the Punkins face for the first time. I'm tired of whining about being tired about not knowing when things will happen. I think I need a vacation from myself.

I have been trying to distract myself. I spent almost the entire long weekend spring cleaning my house. I read book 3 of the Twilight Series and started on book Four. I had lunch last week with my great friends Andrea and Rob who were visitng from Ohio. I had lunch with a couple of my favorite students and colleagues. I had a sleepover with my nephew Jacob. But nothing seems to work for very long. I have this ache in my heart and the longer I'm on the waitlist, the harder it hurts. It's hard to stay positive some days. This is one of those days. I know I will get through this and I know that all the heartache and time will feel like nothing once I know who my baby is. I just wish I knew when that would be. I hope to be more uplifting next post but for now I'm just pining, waiting for my punkin to come.

I'm No Madonna

So this weekend I was at a baby shower for my friend Brenda. It was a great weekend and I was happy to help her celebrate the pending arrival of her baby boy. While at the shower she mentioned that I was adopting from Ethiopia and people were very excited for me. However, a number of people asked me if I was adopting because of Madonna. This isn't the first time I've been asked this but each time it makes me crazy. Why on earth would I make my life's decisions based on what a celebrity does? She is adopting from Malawi and I know nothing about the processes in that country nor do I know what her motives are because I don't know her. I can tell you that 99.9% of the people that adopt do not wake up in the morning and think hey, it's Tuesday, think I'll have eggs and grapefruit for breakfast run to Target and then go adopt a child. If anything, I think Madonna took her plans to adopt from me. After all, I have spent the past seven years of my life putting myself into a position where I could provide a loving and stable home for a child. I have done the finger printing, the classes, the home studies, read every book I can get my hands on. I've dreamed and planned for and loved this child I don't even know yet and I didn't do it on a whim. And lets face it, when have I ever done anything on a whim? Me and spontaneity are like Brussels sprouts and peanut butter. It's interesting to think about but you probably won't attempt it. None of the people who said something meant any ill will. I know that. But international adoption has been happening for years. It's been a part of my family for over 30 years and just because a celebrity does it doesn't make it a fad. OK. Rant over.

Anyway, as I mentioned before, Brenda had a lovely shower and she got beautiful gifts. Brenda's sister and I were able to help her put on the new bedding and to start to organize some of the gifts. It felt so great to be doing something to get ready for a baby even if I am still waiting for mine. I can't wait for her baby and mine to buddies. We've been a part of all of the big life events in each others lives and it's thrilling to think our kiddos will grow up together.

There were some referrals today from my agency and based on the length of times those families waited, I think I should be hearing something in the next month or two. The wait in the last couple of weeks has been excruciating but I just have to keep on keeping on.

11 Months and still counting

So could May be my lucky month? Is this the month I find out who my punkin is? I certainly HOPE so but I don't think it's realistic. Of course, I have been unrealistic in all my other expectations so why start now. Anyway, referrals this month have been slow and I'm just not sure I will hear anything this month. My dad and step mom are convinced it's happening this month(from their lips to God's ears I say)so let's hope they're on the money.

This has been a rough couple of days for me. Today is the 7Th Anniversary of my Mom passing away. I have to say that it's been the hardest one to deal with so far. I was talking to my friend Karen last night trying to figure out why and she made a great point. This is the first anniversary where I have been about to become a mother. Everything about me is much more emotional than usual so it's no wonder I am feeling this day more than before. I mean, it isn't like I don't miss her all the time but I think with impending motherhood her absence is just much louder than usual. I believe that she knows what's happening and she would be delighted but I still wish she could meet him or her.

Yesterday I went to my nephew Kyle's First Holy Communion. Kyle is my friend Karen's son. Kyle is a bright, sweet, terrific kid and the older brother of my god daughter Erin. Erin will make her communion next year. As I was sitting in the pew waiting for it to start I started day dreaming about what kind of outfitthe punkin would be wearing next year to Erin's communion. I had him pictured in Khaki pants, a teele blue long sleeve oxford shirt and an argyle sweater vest with complimentary colors in it. I then realized he could be a she so I pictured her in a light blue sun dress with daisy's on it with a cute white sweater and white buckle shoes with little bows on them. I didn't day dream about his shoes because let's face it, it doesn't matter as much to a boy, but the girl needs the full ensemble. I will probably look back on this next year and think, can you imagine that I actually had a free moment to day dream about such things? But for now, it's about the only thing I have to do. The waiting is just so hard. And I stink at being patient. I guess part of becoming a parent is learning your faults. While I know I am patient with children, I'm not patient when waiting for something I really, really want.

So, there is nothing new on the adoption front. I checked in with my agency this week and they shared examples of what the referral paper work would look like. My first thought was, hey, this means a referral is acoming quickly, my second thought was to learn that they seem to be sharing this information with most families so I'm probably still a couple of months away. But either way, it was great to see the paperwork and to have something else to focus on. I actually think it was very positive for my psyche.

I'm looking forward to a weekend away. I'm leaving Friday to go to my friend Brenda's baby shower. She and her husband are expecting a baby boy in June and I'm looking forward to celebrating with them. And at least there is one baby I can buy stuff for and that was fun.

Tonight I am going to attempt something I have never done before. I am going to try to watch a Bruins game on TV from start to finish. I'm not a big hockey fan but I believe in supporting all my home town teams so I am going to try to watch the game. Hockey is a little too fast paced for me. I have a hard time following the puck. The only way I know the goal has been scored is when they're all hugging by the goalie. I've never been fast enough to catch the actual goal being scored. So this should be an interesting endeavor for me. I think we should take bets on how long I make it before I switch over the the Sunday night movie on the Hallmark Channel. Well, either way, GO BRUINS!

Anxious All The Time

I'm a worrier by nature. Those of you who know me well know that I come by it honestly. My mother was a world-champion worrier. In fact, if there were an Olympic sport for worrying my mother would have been the Michael Phelps of that competition. So it's no surprise that I am following in her footsteps. In fact, I worry so much that when I have nothing to worry about for myself, I worry about other people, many of whom I don't even know. So it comes as no surprise to me that I'm worrying about everything when it comes to the adoption. But I wasn't expecting the anxiety that is accompanying it. I am anxious all the time. I have my cell phone charged at all times ready to go and if I even leave my office for a second I'm constantly checking to see if I missed a call. That's a a big sign of my anxiety. I don't enjoy being on the phone in general but I really am not a fan of cell phones and most of the time I can't even remember to charge it. But because I'm expecting a referral I now have to be at the ready just in case they can't reach me at the other three numbers they have for me. When I sleep, assuming I can even fall asleep which has been a real struggle of late, all my thoughts are of the Punkin. Will I be able to get everything ready between the time I get the referral call and when we travel? What if they don't bond to me? Have I read enough books? Have I read the wright books? Will an eight week maternity leave be enough time for he/she to bond with me and to recognize that even though they'll spend much of their time with Auntie Kate, I am still the mommy and the go to person? In reality, I know that everything will work itself out and that I have and will continue to take the steps I need to make it all work. But since I have a LOT of time and NOTHING to occupy my time with I worry. I know, I need to find a hobby.

My nephew Jacob is now out of his crib and in his big boy toddler bed. When I went upstairs to see his new bed I asked him where his crib went. He looked at me like I was an idiot and said "Dantie, I give to you baby in Epiopia". I said oh Jakey, it didn't go to Ethiopia. It went downstairs to Auntie's house and it's in the baby's room. He put on his angry face and said "Daddy, I telled you to give that baby crib to Dantie's baby in Epiopia!" I have that poor kid totally confused. Every time he sees a plane he yells "Dantie, there's you baby! Go get you baby from Epiopia". I went to Washington DC a couple of weeks ago. When I walked in the house he wanted to know where my baby was. He thought that since I went on a plane that I went to get the baby.

Speaking of Washington DC, I went there over Easter weekend to meet up with My sister Amy and her husband Kevin and their kids Nate and Sarah. We had a fantastic time. Had a lot of fun, did a lot of sight seeing and had good quality auntie time with the kids. Nate is reading the Outsiders, one of my all time fav books so we talked about that and then Sarah tried to convince me of the musical merits of Miley Cyrus. Yeah, she didn't win me over but man, she tried!

Well, I guess I'll get back to worrying, uh, I mean work.

Dear Universe

I think I need to get a message out to the Universe. The message is this.....Dear Universe: Don't let someone accidentally call the cell phone of a woman waiting for her referral call. Yours Truly, Beth. This happened to me today. My cell phone rarely ever rings and almost never during the work day. Half the time it's not even charged but knowing that I'm expecting a referral I've had it with me at all times. So today I'm sitting at my desk and my cell phone rings and my heart starts beating like crazy. I mean crazy. I look at the number and I don't recognize it and my heart really starts racing. I'm of course thinking it could be my agency. But it turns out to be someone who just dialed the wrong number. If this is how I react to a wrong number I seriously can't imagine how I will feel when the real thing happens. My nerves are going to shot by the time I finally get the call. Everyone says it comes when you least expect it but I feel like I'm expecting it all the time.

So not a lot to report here in month 10. I still expect it to be May at the earliest but likely June before I hear anything. I just finished updating my home study and soon I'll make an appointment to be re-fingerprinted. Quite the exciting life I live. Two weekends ago I went to an adoption conference that was really great. Lot's of really helpful sessions and they had books for sale and I came home with a boatload of great books for the punkin, plus a CD of African Children Songs. I can't wait to read them to the Punkin. For now, I just read them myself while I sit in their mostly empty room. It makes me happy to know that soon there will be an actual little person that I'm reading to.

Well, I'm off to DC for a couple of days to meet up with my sister Amy and her family. Can't wait to see Nate and Sarah. Nate turns 13 on Sunday. I can not believe I have a 13 year old nephew. Seems like yesterday he was just a tiny baby who fit in the crook of my neck and now he's a big giant teenager.